My Life in Pictures

doctors tomorrow

2012-02-02T20:34:00.000-05:00

Johnny and I both have to go to the dr's tomorrow. I already got my labwork back and while it could be really bad it was not as bad as I was worried about. My kidneys seen to be almost back to normal. I am pretty anemic though. Or at least what I can tell by looking at the numbers. Then the real concern is my cholesterol. I dont know what we will do about that.

Today I started going through stuff and am paring down somewhat. I have some clothes to give away. Some still have tags on them actually. Im probably going to see if Julie wants any of them first I guesss and I have a dress for Crystal. We are trying to get the house looking better slowly.

Today I went to Joanne's Fabric and bought a few scrappy syuff but got a really pretty glss butterfly and dragonfly. I also got some surprises for my favorite hawaiians :) Ill be sending those off tomorrow. Hopefully they will get there by Valentines Day. Thats about it. The birds are back. I saw two cardinals today. A female and a male feeding. I want to get a few new feeders. to put in some other trees.

And I had my gift planned for Johnny for Valentines and probably going to do one for Nickolas too. He is at that age where kids are going to be giving valentines but Im not sure he will get one. Middle school does not make a big deal out of being fair and giving one to everyone.

So cross your fingers for me that my dr thinks the same I do with the results. She may see something differnt then I do. but I am pretyy sure it is anemia.

it has been a rough day.

2012-02-01T23:43:00.001-05:00

We washed all the clothes last night and that included Matthew's old stuff. Alot of his clothes are still brand new though. I had done some clothes shopping before summer ended for him and Nickolas and he had barely worn some of them. So now we are faced with what to do with them.

I know I could give them to someone less fortunate but I cant fathom giving his stuff to a stranger. I have been really contemplating having his jeans made into a quilt to have as a keepsake since neither Johnny or Nick were as thin or as tall as Matthew. I am still on the fence on that though. Some might find that odd I guess. Most would say just get rid of them. Most people though have not lost a child like this so they really cannot say how they would feel if it was them. (I dont mean that to sound as mean as it might seem)

. It is just we get ALOT of well meaning advice like "It will get easier you'll see" or "He is in a better place" or "This is all part of God's plan" Well I have a few things to say to those things. It is NOT getting any easier. I have to pass the spot my son was killed every time we leave our house. I imagine him there happy, chatting with his dad and then he is gone by one moment of utterly selfish carelessness by some random punk who by all rights should probably have been in jail by now. He got to walk away from the whole crazy mess he caused with a 160 some odd dollar ticket. That is all. So you might think I am angry...well I am. Our justice system failed us and it failed our son.

As for it being part of God's plan or him being in a better place I see nothing wrong with the place he was in. He was loved and he loved his family. What better place could there be? And for God's plan for us? Whatt to make us hurt for the rest of our lives? Mourn the loss of a child who barely got to live? Is that what god had planned? Why did he have to take my son? Who never did anything to hurt someone. He was quiet, shy and reserved and always willing to help anyone in need. There are hundreds of thousands of abusers, rapists, murderers, drug dealers out there. Why did he not rid the world of one of them instead? I just do not get it.

I miss him. I want him home with us. I know he is not coming home ever again though and it kills me a little more inside everyday that I have to live with out him. My heart just feels a little more broken everyday. So I am waiting for this healing to start that everyone keeps talking about. How it will not hurt so much when I think about him? How it gets easier? Its been almost seven months and it is not a bit easier today then when I was frantically calling hospitals begging with god while I was put on hold to just let him be ok. Praying that somehhow someway he made it through the accident and was just on the way to the hospital. Or that it was some sort of mistake and we would get there and Johnny and Matthew would be there waiting to be picked up and not hurt so bad.

Prayers that went unanswered....where was god when I was praying for my son to be ok? Why could he not answer that one little prayer and heal my son as he did my husband? I am grateful my husband was ok but my heart shattered the day my son was killled and I do not believe it will ever be whole again. I cannot fathom a day coming where I think of Matthew and I do not break down crying. Most days I do my best to stay busy so I dont have a chance to think of him but it happens in completely random ways. Like going to do laundry...it was at the laundromat we always went to and Matt would go with us. Matt would hide from me beside the washeres kneeled down and I swear in my mind I could picture him there last night just kneeling down waiting for me to come find him.

Who knows maybe someday the anger I feel will fade some and the hurt and pain from loss will be replaced but I have not felt the change. I feel the hurt and pain becoming more and more intense. It just keeos getting stronger.

lunch out today

2012-01-29T20:43:00.000-05:00

I slept in late today so we went to lunch at Captain D's. Driving there we went over the bridge that goes over the Little Econ River where we used to take the kids fishing and hiking in the woods. It struck me then how many places are filled with memories of all three kids. It feels like they just grow up to fast. After we were done we went to the cemetery. We still have no idea when Matt's marker will be done. I am hoping it will be done by my birthday. That gives them about 7 weeks so we will see. That will make it almost five months. I think that is more then enough time!!

After lunch we went down to Big Tree Park but it was closed. I wanted to see for myself The Senator and how bad it was burned. They either closed it to protect the other tree or for investigations to finish. I hope it reopens though. It was a beautiful park.

Went to Walmart on the way home and as usual it was crazy there. It feels like nobody has any manners anymore. Walking down the right aisle and all the way to the right side of it two women pushing a cart walk towards me and do not move over or say excuse me. It is also always crowded and always being re-stocked. We got what we needed though and got out so it wasn't to bad.

That was about it tonight. Tomorrow is blood work day. I get to have my blood drawn to check how my kidneys are doing and to check my thyroid. Yay!! (not LOL) I do not mind needles I just hate how they make my arms look when they do it.

Monster Truck Jam

2012-01-29T04:29:00.000-05:00

It had been a pretty long time since we had done anything as a family so today we took Nickolas to the Monster Truck Jam. We got there right at 2:00 and got into the pit party. We were starving so we stopped to get something to snack on. Might as well have been a gourmet meal!! We got three corndog/french fry meals and a pink lemonade for me....it came to 42 dollars!! Ridiculous. Can't really help that though. Once you get there you really do not want to leave because you will lose parking. So we walk around looking at all the trucks there. We saw Matthew's favorite Maximum Destruction. I got a picture of Nickolas standing next to it. We also saw Medusa, Grave Digger (including a full sized one made from Knex entirely). That was pretty cool. Since we got there so early we ended up going back to the car and bought an icee along the way. It might as well have been just plain ice though. It had no flavor. We sat in the car and rested with the air on for a little while. Probably an hour or so. Then when it was time to go in we went in to find our seats had been taken over by some kids. They were asked to move which was not a big deal. I had thought I had bought aisle seats but no they were the inside seats next to the wall so we had an obstructed view. They had a race with some cars. One of them was a station wagon sponsered by E&H car crushing. So of course we were voting for him. There was a girl driving one of the cars though and when she did not get enough applause she pulled her shirt up (she had a bikini top on underneath it). Kinda a pathetic ploy in my opinion. She was second place for the best car. Soccer Mom's mini van won LOL. So then they raced and there were a few wrecks in the race. Nothing major though. The WJRR had the baddest truck contest. We were routing for the truck from Chulouta. It was sponsered by Jeeper's Den. Once again it did not win. There was a jeep from somewhere here in Florida. I did not hear where they were from. After that they had a motorcyclist come out. He wrecked as well. Not bad feom what I could tell though. By that time they had finally got the monster trucks out and they started the qualifiers. Captain America got the best qualifying time. So they did the first rounds and the winners from those went on to race the first round. The winners then raced another round and finally came to the semi-finals. Captain America raced Maximum Destruction and Grave Digger raced Grinder I think. Then it was finals which was Grave Digger against Maximum Destruction. Maximum Destruction won overall. That is who I was rooting for. At that point we were all ready to go even though they had to do freestyle still. I was tired and sore and I could tell Johnny was too. There were two guy behind us who were sitting so far forward they kept hitting me in the back with their knees and one of them was dipping and spitting the juices on the ground. DISGUSTING!! It was a nice day/night out though. Nick and Johnny had a good time and so did I. I doubt we will go next year. Mostly because I cannot handle sitting on those seats for several hours. I am gonna try to get some sleep tonight. We told Nickolas we would probably take him to the Clearwater Aquarium or the Tampa Zoo and if I dont get some sleep I doubt we will be up in time to go LOL.

Yearbook page done

2012-01-29T04:08:00.000-05:00

Crystal came over yesterday and told me she had talked to the yearbook supervisor and he wanted to get the page done and submitted this week. She asked me to come with her but I was sick so I got my flash drive and added a bunch of photos for her and a little summary about Matthew and what he enjoyed. (makes me sad that everything about him is now past tense...like he loved dogs or he wanted to get his license:( ). Anyhow she took them up there and worked with the supervisor to get the page done. She had to sign a consent form before having it all submitted. The photography company put together a package for us of the photo I chose for the yearbook. It was really nice but also makes me really sad to see him. I remember taking him to the school to drop him off to get the photos taken and how long it took for him to get it done. He hated taking pictures. It was just two weeks before the accident and we got the proofs in the mail just a week or two after the accident. Not exactly how we expected to have his senior year start out. It feels like it was just yesterday sometimes but also at times it feels like it was an eternity ago. I am not sure how to explain how time feels like it is flying by but at the same time creeping on. I guess when you feel sad a lot of the time and kinda lost and feel like you have no control over anything it can explain how time can fly by and creep at the same time. Don't get me wrong I am not sad all the time. I still have my kids and my husband but the thought never leaves my mind that a HUGE part of all of our lives is gone forever. We will always have memories but will never get to make new ones. So the memories I have I will treasure forever but in the back of my mind I mourn all the things I wanted to do. I know I will see his friends and classmates move on to graduation, getting jobs, going to college, getting married & starting families of their own and in the back of my mind I wonder what he would have done if the accident had never happened. I try not to dwell on those thoughts when they pop in my head because if I do I will get really depressed.

People tell me that he is in a better place and that God has a plan for everyone and everything....I try to believe he is in a better place but it sure does test my faith in that when we seem to be the only one who lost anything in this situation. We have lost our son. He lost his future. Johnny lost a lot of time and has so much damage from the accident. One of the worst outcomes from the accident is his memory loss. It kills me whenever I am talking to him and he cannot remember something. I know people forget things but his forgetting is from years and years ago and from just a day or two ago. It kinda scares me at times too. And it hurts because he has forgotten alot of OUR memories as a husband and wife. I can tell him a story from our past and he does not remember it at all. He still has some memories of course and it does not make sense to me the things he has forgotten. I think it is from hitting his head in the accident...although the doctors all assured me his CT scans and his MRI's were all totally normal. So maybe the memory will start to improve with time. I am defenitely going to talk to the doctor next month though. It is just one more thing to worry about since this accident happened.

not sleeping well

2012-01-12T19:35:00.000-05:00

I have been having problems sleeping the last few weeks. Well really since the accident but recently it has gotten worse. I talked to my doctor about it and she prescribed something for it but it does not really work well. I end up still staying up really late. Ive tried to avoid caffine, turn off all the lights/tv's, read a book til I feel sleepy. It it not that I cannot sleep it is that sleeping means dreams and the dreams tend to switch between horrible nightmares and dreams which make me happy until I wake up and then I am all depressed all day because of them. I am mostly dreaming about Matthew. Of course I miss him so much it is going to happen. And the dreams of him are always one of two varieties that he is in pain and I cannot help him (obviously guilt over not being there at the accident) or he is ok and the accident either did not happen or he made it through the accident ok and is here with us. When I have them they feel so real I wake up and realize he isnt and I just feel so sad.

And I will see things on tv like today a man was put in jail for writing on the sidewalk during one of those occupy wallstreet movements with chalk yet the guy who hit and killed my son will never go to jail for it? Not one single day. It will not even be noted on his driving record that he did that? I just don't get it. I used to believe in America's justice system...that people who do wrong and break the law are punished and serve time but it seems all mixed up and jumbled that people who do horrible things are never even charged and someone does something really minor and get put in jail and will have an arrest record forever. I just cannot understand it anymore. I guess maybe I was just naive and trusted to much in the government and I have learned you cannot do that.

Well the good thing about not sleeping is you can get lots done. I have our bedroom almost cleaned out, I got most of the tiles in the living room down, I cleaned the truck inside and out and finished three more layouts for Crystal's wedding album and did one layout for myself as well. Tomorrow Im thinking of tackling Nickolas' room so I can get the old bed taken apart and get him a new one in there. He has been complaining about it hurting his back so with a memory foam topper maybe it will make it hurt less.

Here are the newest layouts:

Subway Art- Karen Lewis
January Foundations - Crystal Livesay (template slightly altered)
Citron & Champagne - Girl Friday Studio
Daydream Believer - Kristin Cronin-Barrow
Fancy Pants - Traci Reed

Wonderful Tonight-Julie Billingsley & Jady Day Studio
Blissful Stitching-Traci Reed
Solos 5-Busy Bee Designs
Paintity Doo Dah-Traci Reed (alpha)

Amarylis-Sara Gleason (template)
Beach Cottage-Genia Beania, Meredith Cardall & Sherri Tierney (alpha & border)
Go Green-Kristin Cronin-Barrow

A song and some layouts

2012-01-05T03:11:00.000-05:00

I have finally gotten back into scrapbooking a little bit lately. I got a request from my favorite designer to make her a signature for the message boards. I was beyond stoked for that! Seriously it was so cool.

Here is what I made for her:

I liked it alot but it was too big so she took the little fluffs off the top of the bottle.

I also made a few layouts:

Papery-Sara Gleason & Crystal Livesay
My Wish For Him-Kristin Cronin-Barrow

Oak Tree & Acorn by Sara Gleason

Mini Hangy Thing Alpha-Traci Reed
Sweet Escape-Kristin Cronin-Barrow
Sugar and Spice-Kristin Cronin-Barrow
template pack 71-Cindy Schneider

GWL Holiday Edition-Sara Gleason & Crystal Livesay
Tis the Season-Love-Kristin Cronin-Barrow
whitewashed alpha-Julie Billingsley
font-Pea Bandit

Missing You-Jady Day Studio
Blissful Stitches-Traci Reed
Redwood-Sara Gleason

Boy's Club-Kristin Cronin-Brrow & Penny Springmann
Typewriter Alpha-Kristin Cronin Barrow
Birchwood (template)-Sara Gleason

A Legacy of Love-Kristin Cronin-Barrow
Blissful Stitches-Traci Reed
Advent Freebie-Sara Gleason

Sugar and Spice-Kristin Cronin-Barrow
Blissful Stitches-Traci Reed
Sugar Maple-Sara Gleason

A Legacy Of Love & Baby Boy- Kristin Cronin-Barrow
Basically Edgy 3-Krystal Hartleytemplate-Crystal Livesay (January Foundations template)

January Foundations-Crystal Livesay
Frost Bitten Girl-Traci Reed & Meghan Mullens Gimme Space-Darcy Baldwin

Splendor-Kristin Cronin-Barrow
template-Sara Gleason
lyrics from God Gave Me You by Blake Shelton

Tis the Season Collection-Family-Kristin Cronin Barrow
template by Crystal Livesay

Country Road-Kristin Cronin-Barrow
Pear Tree-Sara Gleason (template)

Template-Cindy Schneider (templates 25)
Fa-La-La-Dani Mogstad
Punchy Edges-Julie Billingsley

Tis the Season (Family & Alpha)-Kristin Cronin-Barrow
frames & alpha all by Kristin Cronin-Barrow
template by Sara Sara Gleason from Aspen

Oh Snap-Kristin Cronin-Barrow
template by Sara Gleason
font-CAC Pinafore
stitching-Blissful Stitching-Traci Reed

My Wish For Him-Kristin Cronin-Barrow
template 4/Set 111-Cindy Schneider
font-Grace

Adorabibble-Bella Gypsy Designs
Jelly Shoes-Bella Gypsy Designs
Gladiolus-Sara Gleason (template)
font-Pea Faith Dots

Now for the video. I heard this song the other day and it just reminded me of so many things. People think it ok to laugh at others and how they look and dress and the color of their hair or that they have freckles. I heard it right after watching a movie about cyber bullying anyhow it got me thinking and I just think people need to accept the things which make us different or quirky are good things for the most part. Obviously there are some things which will make a person different and that could be bad thing if they were racist or a criminal of some sort. Anyhow this song pretty much spells it out and I believe the message of the song that the day will come when we are all equal and we will all be in gods home and we will be perfect beings with none of this crap we deal with on earth.

I am going to try to share more songs, videos and layouts in the future. I am also going to try to get back to taking photos and making layouts. The last few Ive made have been theraputic and also more enjoyable. I know life will never be "normal" again and I miss Matt like crazy everyday but I know he would want us to still have those things we enjoy doing everyday. I will also post updates on that situation as we get info. Should be getting his marker soon I hope so I will post pics of that as well. It is going to be really beautiful.

It's christmas eve

2011-12-24T05:04:00.001-05:00

I am still awake tonight...it is Christmas eve. I am feeling a mixture of feelings right now. I am sad because I miss Matthew so much. I want things to be different but I know they can't be. I am sad because I talked to Crystal and she is feeling so sad too. It isn't fair because Id be willing to bet Brandon Benton is not having a moment of sadness or regret. And I just want to make Crystal not hurt. I would take it all away from her, Johnny and Nickolas if I could. I would bear all the sadness for them so they would not have to hurt. If only life could work that way.

I am angry because of the charges not being charged on Brandon Benton. I am also angry because I see that he still even after only facing a simple fine and license suspension cannot admit he is guilty. Even with witnesses still he cannot admit what he did. That just shows what a horrible person he is. And you know what else? I hope that him and his family read this blog and know just how much my family hates them all. I have checked all of their records and every one of them is just like him. Filled with instances of dangerous driving and even some criminal charges. And I would be willing to bet what is posted online is just the tip of the iceberg. And someone told me he has three kids....I can only imagine how horrible his little brood will grow up to be being raised by him.

I am upset because I was hoping the marker would have been finished and placed on Matthew's grave for our visit on Christmas day. I know this time of year is busy for any industry but I would imagine even more so for the people who produce those markers and it isn't like we asked for a simple marker so for it to be done well I'll wait. I know it will be beautiful when it is done and worth the wait it takes to get it in place.

As I am feeling all of these things I feel guilty too because I am happy and feel thankful too. The guilt comes because I feel like it has only been five months and I should not be feeling anything but sad and be grieving. And I am still grieving but I have Johnny and with all the scares with him this year I am happy I have him here today. He easily could have been taken on that evening in July as well. When I think about that possibility it makes me feel physically ill. So I am glad for him being here. I am happy Ill have my family all together and be able to give them a really special christmas with more then they asked for under the tree. I know those are just material things and they probably would have been just as happy to just be together but I love giving gifts to my loved ones so that is what I do.

This whole last half of this year has been like a rollercoaster of emotions. Everyday sometimes is like a roller coaster. I can go from happy to sad to angry and back to happy all in one day easily. I am just trying to take things a day at a time or hour or minute sometimes because sometimes a day or hour just seems to be overwhelming.

It is my hope that spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day together this year will help us all heal a little bit. We will all see we will get through it ok, that there will be tears and laughter and that it is all normal and ok. I know in my heart the holidays will always be a little bittersweet thinking of those who cannot be with us but hope we can all remember to be thankful for the ones who are with us. That's all I hope to have a better post after Christmas. Maybe find some time to share some of the photos I have taken over the last month or so and some layouts too.

It wasn't just an accident

2011-12-16T21:54:00.000-05:00

My husband and I recently learned that the man responsible for killing our son after running a red light will not be charged with a crime. FHP reported when asked by the local news station that he merely ran a red light but did not commit a crime therefore they could not charge him with the death only running a red light. This makes me so angry. My son did not die from an illness, he did not take his own life, he was not out doing anything irresponsible, dangerous or illegal. He was doing what he always did. Go to the store with his dad. He should have made it home that night alive and well with my husband. There is only one person who is responsible for him not making it home and that is Brandon Lee Benton. There is only one reason why he is responsible and that is because he chose not to stop at a red light. Everyone is expected to stop at a red light and if you do not and you kill someone like this man did it SHOULD be a criminal act not just a traffic infraction. It should not matter if he was going 100 mph or doing the speed limit as the police claim he was. The speed does not make my son any less gone. So basically they are telling us that if he were going a little faster he could be charged but because he chose to follow that law (supposedly) and only ran the light doing 45 then they cannot charge him with a crime. Now talk about a really messed up way of thinking. I just do not get it. Whether he was going 100 or 45 the end result was from him RUNNING THE LIGHT!! Sure if he was going a little slower it may have resulted in a different outcome but it didn't and he should have to pay for his actions. People need to come to realize that a car is just as dangerous if not moreso then a loaded gun. When you make poor decisions on the road and you cause serious bodily injury or death you need to be held responsible. To many people are hurt or killed because of bad drivers. At the very least you should not be allowed to get behind the wheel and hurt another person.

checking the mail should not make you cry :(

2011-12-06T14:15:00.000-05:00

Today Crystal and Alen came down to help get some yardwork done and to take the aluminum cans down to the scrap yard. I went out to check the mail before helping with all of that and find a box in the mailbox. It was addressed to Matthew which made me sad just by itself but then I turn it over and it says in huge letters "Happy 18th Birthday!" When I saw that I just started crying. Johnny sees how upset I am and comes over and says whats wrong? I hand him the box and it takes him a minute to get why I am upset then you can see his face just sort of drop. I know the company who sent the box probably got his name from a mailing list and just sent it automatically. Not their fault obviously but just incredibly hard to not only be reminded Matthew is no longer with us but also that he would have been 18 just a few weeks ago (as the package was about a month late). Little stuff like that constantly turning up and reminding us...not that we do not already think of him everyday but that just makes it so much harder.

and now to balanace it out....

2011-11-22T07:36:00.001-05:00

With the last posting talking about how I am feeling and everything being so BLAH!! I know I am blessed too and wanted to list what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my little girl. Sure she isn't so little anymore but always will be in my eyes my baby girl. I love her so much. She is so much more then a daughter though. She is the one person who understands my need to watch those sappy movies that make me cry and she loves them just as much as I do I think. And if she doesn't she pretends to. She is my Twilight partner with the latest installment being a standing date for us for the last few months which will finally happen this weekend. She is the first person I call when I want to talk. She is everything to me...my first born, my only daughter, my best friend and I love her more then words can ever say.

I am thankful for my son. He may be a huge pain in the butt sometimes and defenitely not the neatest kid in the world but he is the funniest kid I have ever met. Some of his jokes do admittadly push the limits of what I would prefer him to be saying but he always makes me laugh. He asks way to many questions but I know that is just a sign of a thirst for knowledge. I hope he never loses that and can learn to focus that thirst into something productive in his education. When he really tries he does so well. I am so proud of the young man he is becoming too. Like his sister I will forever see him as my little man but he is anything but little nowadays I suppose.

I am sooooo thankful for second chances. See I got one this July with my husband. He is and always will be my rock. Without him I do not know how life would be. So I am thankful I never had to find out.

With that last thing I am thankful for my husband. He is my rock. The one person I know I can always count on for anything, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen when I need to talk even though sometimes he does not listen to everything I say, he is the one I turn to when I need a hug of encouragement and after all these years always knows the right thing to say or do and always there with some joke to make me laugh when all I really feel like doing is crying. He is my best friend, partner....my everything. Without him I would not feel complete.

I am also thankful for warm food to eat, a warm bed to sleep in, the ability to give to my kids a beautiful christmas and thanksgiving even though it will be one of the loneliest ones we have had in a long time. I am thankful for friends and family both online and in real life for being there in the time of my life where I needed the most support. Its been hard but without everyone who was so supportive I doubt I would have been able to do all I had to.

I am also very thankful for the time I was given with my middle child Matthew. It was a brief 17 1/2 years but in those years I was given so much love and memories. I was taught the true meaning of unconditional love through him during the time I was pregnant with him and now with him gone the meaning is so much stronger because even though he is not here with us anymore the love I feel for him does not know any boundaries. Even inside of death the love I feel is there and continues to grow by leaps and bounds and always will. He was one of the most amazing young men I have ever met and I am so thankful to have had the privilige to be his mother.

Lastly I am thankful for a new family member....with my daughter getting married on the 11th we welcomed a new son-in-law into the family. I hope that one day I can call him just son. I know that we have not always seen eye-to-eye but that comes only from my protectiveness of my daughter. He makes her happy and she says he is the one guy for her so I trust her judgement and will welcome him into our family and home.

I am sure there are many other things left for me to be thankful for both big and small but those listed are the ones I feel in my heart right now. Despite our life being turned upside down by the accident in July and all the anger I do still feel in my heart I can reconize and be thankful for the many blessings I have recieved and continue to recieve daily. My hope is that one day I can say that I am no longer so angry and not feeling all the other things so deeply. I just know that day is a long time away for now. But I will get there one day at a time.

what I hate right now

2011-11-22T06:49:00.000-05:00

I hate how people were all around us asking us how we were doing and now when we call them even if it is not to talk about what happened "the accident" as everyone refers to it they just do not have time. You can tell they are so uncomfortable seeing us. They do not know what to say or fear they may say the wrong thing. Well saying nothing is defenitely the wrong thing. We want to be treated like we were before. I know we have lost our son. It has been 4 months now to the day. I do not have to look at a calendar I can tell you almost to the hour how long he has been gone. BUT we still NEED support and friends. Just to call and say hi. Just to ask us how we are feeling or if there is anything we need. But mainly just to be there if we should need anything.

I also hate feeling the way I do. It is such an unexplainable mixture of feelings. Guilt, sadness....such a profound sadness almost indescribable if you have never experienced the loss of a child you will never be able to understand completely how deep it cuts, anger...I am angry that my husband and son left that night instead of just staying home. I am angry at the man who hit them. I am angry that my son went instead of me. I would trade place with him at any second given the oppurtunity. I feel empty. Like all of those things I once so loved to do...shopping, scrapping, photography, spending time with my family....they no longer bring me all the joy they once did. I still derive some happiness from my family time of course and I am trying to get back to a normal life but somedays I am lucky if I even make it out of my bedroom. With Matthew gone I feel broken. And I hate it.

I find myself asking why all the time. HOW COULD SOMEONE DO THIS?? The light was red for awhile. He could have stopped. He could have even slowed down to lessen the damage. He could have swerved once he saw what he had done. But he did none of these things. He just kept right on his path with MY SON and MY HUSBAND directly in his path and now all he can think of is that he might be going to prison? If I had my hands on him he would wish for prison. Prison would look like a vacation to him at that point.

He has absolutely no idea how much damage he has caused to our family. How much hurt we all feel. How hard life has become just to get up every morning and go about our daily lives.. We were just starting to have things look up and come together for our family. We were planning our daughter's wedding. Instead of having her brother there to watch her get married she had to light a candle in her brother's memory and play a song for him.

SO now I am angry. I am angry for all that WE have lost but mostly I am angry for all that my son lost. All that potential, hopes, dreams, aspirations that he had which will never be fulfilled because of one stupid, stupid irresponsible person who thought of himself only and of none of the people who happened to be in his path for I know if it was not my family he destroyed that night there would have been someone else placed in his path. So I struggle with all of these feelings and wish every single day it was just a dream. Sometimes I think I can hear Matthew coming or the alarm will go off and without thinking get up and yell for Matthew to get up for school then realize he wont be doing that. That is when I usually go back to bed and cry for a little while.

Everyone tells me it will get easier but the more time passes the more the pain grows not sibsides.They say god has a plan for everyone and everything and this is part of god's plan well I say it is a pretty f***ed up plan and I wonder why take a kid who never hurt anyone and took care of his grandparents and helped out his parents whenever he could, got good grades, was quiet and reserved and let this man who drinks and parties and thinks nothing of driving like a maniac and has numerous non-payment of child support on his record live? What is he contributing to this world except pain and heartache? I just do not get it. So yea I hate him too. Only hate does not seem to describe what I feel in my mind and heart for the man responsible for destroying what we once had. He did not destroy our family because I still have my son and husband and my daughter and a new son-in-law but he took what we had and he shattered any sense of normalcy and for that I cannot forgive. I am not sure I ever will.

Well for right now that is all. I tried a scrapbooking page but I closed that ebcause I just did not feel like scrapbooking right now. It just looked ugly to me.

Matt's 18th birthday yesterday...

2011-11-10T07:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was so unbelievably hard. I honestly did not even want to get out of bed but we had plans to go to the cemetery to release the doves for Matthew's birthday. It rained at the funeral when we were supposed to do the release so we postponed it and thought it would be a beautiful tribute to Matthew since he loved animals so much. While it was very nice (it was a gift to us from my Aunt Rose) the whole time I just kept thinking how wrong it was that we even had to be there doing this to celebrate Matthew's birth. We should have been able to take Matthew out for dinner and buy him gifts that he would be able to enjoy. It also occurred to me that this is just the first birthday we will have to make it through with Matthew not here and that thought just makes me sick to my stomach. I know I have said it before but this is just not fair.

The detective called us right before we left yesterday and told Johnny the investigation is finalized. The charges are still pending but only until the review is finished by his supervisor then everything is sent to the prosecutor I guess and they will issue an arrest warrant at that point and I guess send a deputy out to arrest Brandon Benton. I am not sure what happens after that. I am guessing probably an arraignment? I am sure they will try to plea the charges down. I hope the state does not allow that. This man should be punished to the fullest extent the law allows. He has forever altered our lives and family and that should not be dealt with by just a slap on the wrist like he has had in the past. If it does go to court I intend to be at every single court date with my husband so he has to see us and remember what he did and if I am allowed I will tell the court how he has effected my life and my family since Matthew cannot be there to speak for himself I will speak for him and I will make sure one way or another Matthew gets justice.

Crystal's wedding is coming up in just a little over 24 hours now. It sucks a little that the weather forecasted for tomorrow changed so they are going to have to have the ceremony inside at the Econolodge. The pictures won't be nearly as nice there as they would have been on the beach I think. Maybe I can get Crystal and Alen at least together in their wedding outfits a few days after they are married to get a few pictures on the beach too. It won't be the whole bridal party but it is better then nothing. I know Crystal was looking forward to the beach ceremony as well.

My aunt told us at the cemetery last night that there is a candlelight ceremony for anyone who has lost a loved one at Glenhaven next month we are considering going to that. You get to go up on stage and say your loved ones name and leave the candle on stage and by the end the whole stage is lit up by all these little lights. Supposed to be really beautiful. It will be just one month exactly after Matthew's birthday.

So for now we are all just focusing on getting through the holidays. I want to try to keep them as normal as we can. It is hard for all of us though because we all really do miss Matt so much and nothing is the same without him here.

What I am most afraid of

2011-11-05T03:37:00.002-04:00

Most people with kids would say their greatest fear is losing a child. I have had to face that fear and it is completely terrible. Worse then you can even imagine. It feels almost like you are living someone else's life, like a dream or rather a nightmare I suppose. It just does not seem real...even three months later I still wake up with the expectation of seeing him in his bed sound asleep. I still look at the phone to see if it is him calling. I still expect him and Johnny to come home safe and sound. On some days that is how I feel. On other days I can accept what happened but those days I find myself so angry. Especially after seeing how long of a delay there was in the lights firsthand. It just does not make any sense to me how someone could do that and still live with their own conscience every single day. I know I couldn't.

But really what I am most afraid of is forgetting. The little details. The sound of his laughter, the way he looked when he smiled, how when he wanted my attention he reminded me of Stewie in Family Guy saying Mom, Mom, Ma, Ma, Mom, Mother, Mother....til I would say what or yes. Or how he made me laugh all the time. He was so funny. I have videos and photos of him. None of the videos are of him talking though. And because of that I am afraid to forget how he sounded.....how he sounded when he was happy or mad oe sad. I am just afraid of losing any memories of him. When someone you love as much as I love him dies the memories they leave you with are more precious then any gold. I cherish every single thing I can remember about him and I am so glad I took the time to record so much of his life in photos. I wish I had thought to tape more and to take even more pictures then I did though.

So I am going to leave this entry with a song whichI think says how I feel most of the time:

hardest night yet...

2011-10-12T01:49:00.000-04:00

It has been really hard here lately. Johnny broke three more ribs or re-broke them we dont know. So he is hurting a little more then he was. We are trying to take it easy and not do much and really we aren't but we cant just sit at home all the time we have to get out because so much here reminds us of Matthew and how much we all miss him. So we went to get a couch today since the one we had was ruined while Johnny was in the hospital. Lets just say a dog and five cats which are home alone make quire a mess :(. Even though I came home to feed/water them and change the litter it was still bad and so old that it was time for a new one anyhow. So we get it here and it does not fit through the door. We live in a mobile home and the doors on them are smaller then regular house doors. So we had to take the whole door out to get it in. Sucks but it worked. Got it in and situated and put the door back in. All fixed up.

So tonight I decided it was time to tackle the mounting load of clean clothes piled in my room. I got through it and found Matt's stuff mixed in with it. Some jeans, a few of his well loved holey t-shirts (which we jokingly called his church clothes...holey/holy clothes). It was a long running joke. It was just like Matt though to never want to throw out a shirt or pants because of a few small holes. He would use them for when he had dirty work to do (like mowing, cutting weeds, digging, cleaning the dogs). I also found his Yugioh blanket I think I bought him back when he was like nine or ten? Matt took very good care of his stuff and even though he did not watch Yugioh anymore he still slept with the blanket every single night. So finding all of that stuff I just pretty much wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Which I did a lot of tonight. Which of course makes me feel worse because then I cant breathe and I am all stuffy. But at the same time I am crying I have so much anger and rage. Because this situation is so unfair. And I know life is not fair but I think at 35 with all I have been through in my life I think I deserve a little bit more fairness. A little less pain. Some happiness and joy would be nice for once. Why does everything have to be so hard and hurt so much? So I got through the laundry and got it all folded. It is waiting to be put up tomorrow morning. And I have most of Matthew's belonging packed up in huge Rubbermaid container. There might come a day when I can give some of it away to someone who can use it I don't know. Right now it will just be in the container where I can look at it and hold it when I am missing him.

I am a mess...

2011-10-05T05:00:00.001-04:00

I am such a mess lately. Feeling a little of everything I guess. I am crying all the time. Im angry a lot. I am exhausted from getting just the bare minimum sleep. I miss Matthew. I am worried about Johnny and how well he is doing because apparently they still havent gotten his physical therapy approved. I miss Matthew....I think I sai that already. But I really do. His birthday is fast approaching and so is christmas. I am not sure I even want to celebrate christmas this year. That would not be fair to the kids though. I told Johnny all I want for christmas this year is to have Matthew back :( yea that wont be happening.

The latest obsession is to try to find out how much time there was between the time the light turned red for Brandon Benton (the guy who caused the accident and killed my son) and the time of impact. I counted 15 seconds from the time the light turned red for the direction he would have been going to when our light turned green the other day while Johnny and I sat through the light. That is a long time to react and do the right thing. I mean in the scheme of things 15 seconds is a blink of the eye...nothing at all. But when it comes to having 15 seconds to react to a red light, apply your brakes and stop it is an eternity. I mean why couldn't he have just ran off the road if he could not stop? It would have avoided an accident at least. I dont know.

At any rate Johnny being home from the hospital and me having all this free time on my hands now I am finding I have way to much time to think and am getting more and more angry. Finally having no choice but to deal with the actual loss and my feelings about it. So I am just a mess now really.

10 weeks & starting the process of designing the headstone

2011-09-30T17:39:00.002-04:00

We are at ten weeks now that Matthew has been gone. We went today to start getting the design of the headstone/grave marker done. We have decided on getting one with pictures off Matthew and a rather large one too. It is going to be like 24x30 in hte bronze with the granite underneath even larger. We will have one photo of the whole family (me, Johnny, Crystal, Matthew & Nick), a picture of Matt with Misty and one of him with Roxie and hopefully one of his graduation photos. Im not sure yet if we will get any others. It's going to say:

Matthew Allen Knorr
11/09/1993 - 07/22/2011
Beloved son, brother & friend

Then under that I want it to either say

"Remember Me in Rainbows"(from the poem used for the memorial booklets at his funeral)
or
"I love you INFINITY!!"(because when Matthew was little this was his favorite thing to say to everyone)

The granite we chose to use for it is a medium green color which is a specialty granite and will cost more but it is so pretty and the standard granite was just not that nice looking. Plus I want Matthew's to be completely original and special just like he was.

It was pretty tough to think about the marker for our son and how we want to have him remembered. Id give just about anything to have him back here with us instead of where he is. I am so sad and miss him so very much everyday. I told Johnny that this is not how things are supposed to be that spread of years between the date of birth and the date of death should be much greater and it should be his children or wife doing the planning and making these decisions not his dad and I which makes me so angry at the guy who caused the accident all over again. it is just so much to handle and come to terms with.

Things left unsaid

2011-09-19T01:03:00.003-04:00

You always hear people say when someone dies there is so much left unsaid. You always wish you could have one more day...just one more day to say those things you feel you did not say or could not say or maybe you did not say it often enough. I was thinking about that tonight. Thinking about those things I wish I could have told Matthew had I known that the last time I saw him would have been the last time. I know I would tell him I love him. Probably a hundred time over I would tell him I love him. I think that because he was a boy it was harder to express those emotions and I know it made him uncomfortable. He was not a lovey dovey type kid. But I would not care now if he was here this second just for one more day I would say it over and over until he got sick of hearing it. I think I would tell him how much he was wanted from the very second I found out I was pregnant with him and with all the turmoil in my life at the time along with the scares through out my pregnancy I never once doubted I wanted him. I loved him from the second I knew I was pregnant with him. I did not care he might have been sick when he was born. He was my son and that was all that mattered. I would tell him how proud I am of him. How proud he has always made me. Even through all those tantrums and him back talking and having fits over the stupidest things...he has always been a special boy. I know everyone says that when someone they love dies but Matthew has always been more sensitive then other boys. He tried to hide it by putting on this tough exterior but I knew he really was just really sensitive inside. I never had to worry about him getting into trouble either and I would like to thank him for that. To just tell him how much of a relief it is to see other kids his age out getting into trouble...smoking, drinking and carrying on. But not Matthew. He always knew what was right and what was wrong and I knew that he would do the right thing and stay out of trouble. I would also give him a hug. How I long to do that right now. Like I said he was not the overly affectionate type....but if he was here I dont care how much he protested Id give him the biggest hug I could. I know that if I had him here for just a day it would never be enough but if I could just say those things to him...just let him know how much I care and how much I miss him I would be happy with just that one day. I guess I never really thought that there would come a day where I would not able to say those things. I always meant to sit down with him like I do with Crystal and just talk to him. Tell him what I thought and felt but I never did. I thought there was always tomorrow. Gosh I wish I had just went ahead and done it instead of waiting....because no matter how much I wish now there really isn't a tomorrow for us. We know now Matt's last day has come and gone and I will never have the chance to say all the things I wish I had. I will never get to give him another hug. We won't get to do all the things I wanted to do with him someday. Someday will never come. I will learn from this though. I will tell all of my loved ones today how I feel. I will never again think that tomorrow will be a good time to say I love you or to spend the day together. I will do those things now so when my time comes (or theirs does) I wont have so many things left to say and so many things I wish I could do.

What I remember

2011-09-08T22:56:00.008-04:00

I have been going over and over the day of the accident and all of the days since the accident and wanted to write it down somewhere. Even though it is one of those events that are life changing and you will remember for the rest of your life there are a lot of things that occurred during that time period which I have already forgotten or they have become cloudy and hard to tell what happened when and where. The five week time period in which Johnny was hospitalized after the car accident are all one big blur for the most part. I pretty much ran on auto-pilot most of the time without really thinking or feeling a whole lot. I just did everything I needed to do without much thought so I wanted to make sure that before to much time went by I would try to write down as much as I could remember about the accident, what I was thinking and feeling during that time period and what was going on with Johnny and his recovery. I already wrote so much about the actual treatment but never really focused on me and the kids and how we felt/what we were doing.

The day of the accident started out pretty normal. I was really sick that day and for a couple days prior to that day. Matthew and Johnny both had a cold which they were getting over when one of them passed it on to me. Matthew and Johnny had gotten some yard work done and as usual Matthew had started his truck up and drove it around the yard a few times before he set to work installing his new stereo and speakers. Johnny was inside with me for a little while watching television. I took some Tylenol P.M. cold medicine because I had not slept well for a few days. I fell asleep and Johnny I guess went outside with Matthew and was giving him a hand working on getting the new speakers and stereo in. I am not sure what was happening exactly but I remember they were having some sort of issue getting the wiring right so they had to go to Auto Zone to look at a book or something. They came home and Johnny woke me up and told me he would be outside if I wanted him so I would not wake up and not know where he was. I went right back to sleep at that point so I am not sure what else Johnny and Matt did while I was asleep.

Around 4:00 or 4:15 Johnny came in and woke me up again and told me he wanted some Sarku chicken from a place in the food court at the mall and wanted to know if I wanted some too. I was not really hungry but told him to get me one for later. I could always heat it back up. So he said ok gave me a kiss and said he loved me and would be back in an hour or so. I fell back asleep again.

Around 5:45 I woke up because lightning hit and the power flickered on and off a few times. I got up looking for Matthew and Johnny and realized the were not in the house so I looked outside and saw our car was gone then remembered Johnny had told me he was going to get dinner. I was not sure how long he and Matthew had been gone though so I went online to look at our checking account to see if he had paid for our food yet (our bank has a time stamp on all pending transaction so I could tell exactly when he paid for the food which was 5:26). Since it had only been 20 minutes or so I did not think anything of it so I turned on the tv and was watching the news for a few minutes when the phone rang.

I looked at the caller ID thinking it might be Johnny calling to see if I wanted anything else before he came home. He almost always calls to check and see if I wanted something. It was my best friend calling though which is kinda strange because she doesn't usually call me I usually call her a couple times a week. As soon as I answered she said oh good you are ok. That was kinda strange because I was just sick with a head cold which is what I thought she meant by that. I said to her of course I am ok I just have a cold. She said no Jessica we were just coming home and saw a car which looked an awful lot like you and Johnny's and it was hit hard at 419 & Hwy. 50. It does not look good but you are ok so no need to worry (or something along those lines). I told her I am ok that I was at home because of my head cold but Johnny and Matthew were not here and they would most likely coming down 419 from the Oviedo Marketplace. She said oh my gosh Jessica when was the last time you talked to him? About that time the phone rang with Johnny's mom/dad's number on the caller ID. My heart just sank because I just knew it was them. Somehow I just had that icky feeling telling me it was really bad. So I told her I had to go because my father-in-law or mother-in law was calling on the other line and I would call her back when I found out anything at all.

I answer the phone and find it is Johnny's father on the line and he told me to get ready that they were on their way over because Johnny had been in a car accident and he was in critical condition. I asked if by any chance Johnny had dropped Matthew off at their house today and he told me no and asked if Matthew was with Johnny. I told him if he was not at their house then he was in the car with Johnny. So he suggested I start calling around to try to find out where Matthew had been taking never really thinking in my mind that he could have died in the accident. So I call the hospital closest to us which is Florida Hospital East Orlando. I get someone from the emergency room who was not really to friendly. I tried to explain that I was looking for my son when she told me he was not there and I should try another hospital. I asked her how she knew he was not there when I had not even given her his name. She told me they had nobody brought in in the last hour or so from a car accident and suggested I call Orlando Regional trauma. I ask her to double check with his name and age and she checks again and comes back telling me he is not there and gives me the number to ORMC to checck with them.

I hang up and call ORMC Trauma/emergency room and talk to someone who tells me my husband was brought in by ambulance but my son was not there. She asks his age thinking possibly he was taken to Arnold Palmer hospital but when I tell her he is almost 18 she said no he would have been brought here and asks if I called Florida East. I said I had and nobody there could tell me where was either. So she tells me to hold please and then a minute or two later a chaplain gets on the phone and tells me about Johnny then asks about Matthew to see if she could find out where he was taken and told me to get up there as soon as I can because they were not sure at that point about Johnny and whether he would make it.

At that point I just lost it. I was sobbing and shaking. I could not breathe as it was because of my cold so the crying did not help. I could not find anything to wear that was not to hot or to cold since I figured I would be there awhile. I told Nickolas to get dressed that we were going to the hospital and to bring something to read or a game to play because we would probably be there for quite awhile. So he hurries up and throws some clothes on (he wears a t-shirt and basketball shorts around the house most of the time). A few minutes later Johnny's parents pull up and we get in the van and head off. I did not know that they had called Rosie (Johnny's sister) to tell her at this point but we had to stop and pick her up as well. On the way to the hospital we had to pass the accident scene so my father-in-law asks me if I want him to stop to find out where Matthew was taken. I pretty much already knew he had not made it through the accident but told him that was ok to stop. He crossed the highway from the turning lane and talks to one trooper who tells him I guess to go talk to another trooper who I assume broke the news about Matthew not making it.

He walks back to the van and gets in and pulls back onto the highway. As soon as he pulls out on the highway he turns around and says something to the effect of Matthew died instantly from the accident. I cannot remember how he said it but it was definitely not really breaking it to me gently. I guess though there is no easy way to say "your son died". Like I said though I already knew from him not being at the hospitals which were the closest to us and after seeing how badly damaged our car was and the SUV was a full sized SUV it sort of clinched it to me. I did not really need to be told at that point to know he did not make it.

So we get back on the road and I am crying again this time I was just broken inside. It hurt to breathe and I was just praying that somehow someway the troopers were all wrong about Matthew passing away. We finally arrive at the hospital ER and I get out with Nickolas not waiting for the rest of them when the receptionist calls the chaplain over and she takes us to a small conference room to talk to us about Johnny and to break the news to us she had found where Matthew was. We already knew at that point though so I told her that before she went through everything all over again though. So we have to wait for everyone to get into the hospital before going up to Trauma ICU to see Johnny. It is a long walk up to the ICU which seemed even longer because of the circumstances and because Johnny's parents cannot walk very quickly as well.

(this is where the events of what happened and what exactly was said get a little fuzzy for me)

After what felt like an eternity from the moment I got the call to tell me to get ready to the time we got to ICU we were there and the chaplain goes to get Johnny's nurse I think and he comes out to talk to us about Johnny's condition. He told us Johnny had multiple fractures in his ribs (front & back on both sides). The ribs had punctured the pleural lining which was bleeding and had caused the lungs to collapse. He had a laceration on his liver and he was in severe pain. They were still working on him and had to put in tubes to drain the blood and allow the air to escape so his lungs could expand normally so we could not go back right away.

He allowed us to go back two or three at a time after a little while. I cannot remember much about who went back with whom and who was there at that time. I know the first night I was there with Nickolas and had called Crystal who was on her way up with Alen. Johnny's parents and Rosie was there obviously because they gave me a ride up there. not long after that Alicia (Johnny's niece) and her dad came up as well as Johnny's brothers Billy and Robby came up I think. I am not sure if Cricket came that night or not. Like I said the details are extremely fuzzy. I ask them to see if Johnny had his cell phone on him when he was brought in and the chaplain tells me yes he did as well as a wallet and she could get them for me if I'd like. I said yes Id like that and thanked her. She went off to retrieve the wallet and phone and was gone for a little while.

When she came back she had the wallet and phone which I had to sign for. The phone was almost dead so I had just enough time to get the number off of it to call my sister Jennifer who called everyone else for me and told me she was on her way to the hospital. I am not sure who called who at that point but I know Jennifer was there with her friend Lenny, Jocelyn was there with Jamie and Heaven, Kevin was there with his girlfriend, Julie was there and then finally my aunt and her daughter got there. Most of Johnny's family had left at that time so it was just me and my family there. They all took turns visiting him for a few minutes a piece. We sat in the waiting room and talked for a little while before we headed back to the house. I do not really remember who took me home that night or even what time I left the hospital. I wanted to stay overnight with him but they have policies against anyone staying overnight with the patients in ICU. I could have slept in the ICU waiting room I suppose but sitting in those chair just about destroyed my neck and back. I could not imagine how much I would have been hurting if I had slept in them!

After that first night the nurse told me the first couple days are the worst and the most critical for the patient. He also told me he had no doubts that Johnny would pull through ok. I am not sure if he said that because he truly believed that or was saying it to try calm my fears. Either way he was right but there were days when I just was not sure though.

Eventually Johnny started to wake up more and more during the day and was becoming more alert. Asking for things like water and food and to use the restroom. He could not do any of those at that point but the nurses/doctors all told me it was a very good sign that he was wanting to which made me very happy.

Johnny spent almost exactly 14 days in Trauma ICU (was just a few hours past 14 days when he was transferred). He got moved to Trauma ICU step down on the 14th day late at night. I was with him the next day in the step down unit but again could not stay over night with him. On Sunday I came back to the hospital and found that he had already been transferred to MD Anderson. I found this to be somewhat odd because I figured he would be in step down for at least a few days to a week but also I was supposed to be notified before he is moved anywhere. The secretary took me to the room he was in which was in another hospital but the two are connected so it was not like we had to far to go.

When I got to his room I found him lying in bed and he had had a bowel movement which looked to me like it had been awhile since it had happened. I was so angry about this. Heck I was beyond angry! I told the secretary who brought me to get a nurse or care technician in there right away and she said she was already on it. I started crying for him because I could see in his eyes he was just humiliated (he was completely awake). I told the care tech when she got there that it was unacceptable for him to be in that condition. She did not say much just told me to wait in the day room while she got him and his bedding cleaned up. Thankfully the other nurses and care technicians were much more caring and checked in on him frequently when I was not there with him. I was able to stay over night with him at that point so there were no more incidents like this after that.

Johnny was in M.D. Anderson from August 7th to August 12th. It was really difficult during that time period because the doctor's, nurses and therapists (physical & occupational therapists) all wanted him to be transferred to a rehab facility but his insurance did not agree. (he has a medicare HMO). They wanted to send him to a nursing home. The difference in the two is he would have recieved at least 3-4 hours a day at the rehab facility and maybe an hour at the nursing home. They told me the nursing home was more focused on medical care then on the therapies while the rehab focused on the therapies and medical care. So obviously both Johnny and I really wanted to have him transferred to a rehab facility. No matter what the case manager did though she could not convince the insurance company to do that. I told her that we really need him to come home and could not understand why they did not care about that as well (they meaning the HMO). I suggested to her that she tell them we cannot/will not have the funeral until Johnny is released from the hospital completely so he could come home and we could be together as a family and have the funeral services for our son.

I am not sure if that is what made the lady at the HMO change her mind but whatever did it they came to me around 2:00 on August 12th to tell me that Johnny's transfer was approved and he would be moved around 5:30 that afternoon. To say I was elated would be putting it mildly. He would be going only a few blocks away and would be getting the intense therapies he needed so desperately. The transfer and the rest of the evening was extremely difficult as Johnny missed his medication in the afternoon at M.D. Anderson and was not due to have another dose until 8:30. The transfer somehow got mixed up and he was entered into the system at Lucerne as a John Doe patient instead of under his real name. (they enter all patients like that in the ER at ORMC coming by ambulance and for some reason it stuck even though his info was updated after his second or third day there).

When he arrived at Lucerne Johnny could barely stand up straight and could not walk without almost falling over. He just somehow found the strength and the will to fight through the pain and forced himself to work as hard as he could. Around the 21st or the 22nd he could not only stand up and walk without almost falling he could do it without a walker or cane. The nurses, doctors and therapists had set a tentative release date of August 30th on the 16th but when the therapists came back from the weekend off and saw how much he had improved they all agreed he should not stay any longer and told him they were going to recommend to the doctors that they move the release date up. They were not sure the doctors would agree but they came in to examine Johnny and upon seeing how alert he was, how much he could remember, how well he was breathing, eating and talking and finally how well he was walking/standing they all agreed it would not be needed to keep him any longer and he could do any therapy as outpatient. We were told on Tuesday afternoon we could come and pick him up on Wednesday morning! That was the best news I had had in a very long time.

So I came home Tuesday night and set to cleaning up the mess that had accumulated during the time Johnny was in the hospital. I did not sleep much that evening and spent a good part of the morning Wednesday morning finishing up my cleaning. Crystal helped when she got here as well. Crystal and I left to go get him around noon. Shortly after we left Alen got here and fixed the steps to let Johnny get in and out of the house more easily (the top step was a really large step up so he lifted the steps a little by putting concrete blocks under them). It took a little while to get him discharged because the nurses/doctors did not tell the morning nurse at shift change to get him ready to leave so she did not know until noon he was being discharged. At any rate we got out of there around 2:30-3:00 Wednesday afternoon and stopped at Walmart to pick up a few odds and ends then at Winn Dixie to get his prescriptions all filled and get some groceries. We finally got home sometime after 5:00 and I got Johnny settled in for the day.

He has been home now for 16 days and is doing great considering everything he has been through. The doctors, nurses and therapists do not know what exactly to make of it. They said with all the breaks he had in his ribs and the other injuries as well as how hard the impact was it is a miracle he even made it out of the accident alive. But the fact that he is able to walk around so easily and to be doing as well as he is they cannot explain it...at least not with science and medicine. They said to both Johnny and I that every now and then they have a patient like Johnny who against all odds just simply amazes them. I do not know what made him get well as quickly as he did...maybe it is a miracle. He says it was my love and support and knowing that Nickolas, Crystal and I all needed him home that made him get well so fast. It does not matter to me though exactly what it is that made him better I am just glad he is.

It is really tough missing Matthew so much. I do not think that there has been a single day that goes by that I have not cried or a day goes by that I do not think of Matthew about a hundred times a day. I know it is the same for Johnny, Nick and Crystal as well. We are all coping in our own ways though and are planning something special for Matthew's birthday this year. So that is pretty much it. I know I wrote a lot of this already in my blog but I was writing mostly for Johnny's benefit and how he was doing physically/emotionally during his time in the hospital. I wanted to write down what happened and how I felt during that time as well. I have so many things I have already forgotten or they have blurred together and I did not want to lose everything from the past month and a half though so I thought it would be good to record it here before I do forget to much and it all becomes even more clouded in my mind.

can't sleep tonight...

2011-09-06T04:51:00.005-04:00

It is almost five in the morning right now but I cannot sleep. I wish I could. It is so much better when I am asleep. When I sleep Matthew is not dead. I dream of things the way they were before that day. Before the accident. Before my life was turned upside down. Before Johnny was hurt. Before our family was torn apart. Just before it all.

I long for even the bad stuff now. Like Matthew and Nickolas constantly arguing. Or having Matthew be mad at me for some stupid thing I said or did. I actually miss those things because if they were happening it would mean Matthew was here. But I know he isn't and never will be again.

I find myself crying at everything. Someone talks about how fast their kids are growing up and it reminds me that at least one of mine will never get to grow up. Or I hear someone complain about how bad their kids are being and I wish that I could say the same thing. With it just being Nick at home now he has nobody to argue with...nobody to annoy. So it is quiet here most of the time.

I will see something Matthew loved like his buffalo sandwiches and I break down. Or like the other night Johnny and I went to Mcdonalds to pick up something to eat for dinner. He automatically without thinking ordered four small fries. He did not even realize it and it was all I could do to not start crying right there in the middle of the restaurant. It just dawned on me that will probably happen a lot. I find myself while shopping picking up stuff Matthew liked for Matthew then realizing that I do not need it anymore especially if he was the only one who ate it before. I go to the store to buy Nick and Johnny some pants and find myself looking for 32/32's and then remind myself I do not need to buy those anymore because Matthew does not need pants anymore. It is so fricking hard.

I also find myself getting more and more angry. But I have no place for that anger to go. So it is just building. I want to scream. I want to hit something. That anger is directed at one person only though. Brandon Lee Benton. He is a piece of human garbage. I want to tell him that. I want to ask him exactly why he ran that light. Why did he not swerve when he saw our car coming across the highway. I want to ask him if he looked into my son's and husband's eyes when he plowed into our car with his truck doing god only knows how many miles per hour. I want to ask him if he thinks of my son everyday and every night like my husband, kids and I do. I want him to tell me how he can justify what he did. Where he was going that he felt he did not or should not have to stop at a red light like everyone else did that night. Why he could not even take responsibility for what he did when he gave his statement to the police. Instead he tried to lay the blame for the accident and for my son's death on my husband. Saying Johnny had been the one to actually run the red light.

If he stood before me right this minute I know I could easily hurt him badly and not feel even the tiniest bit remorseful for it. I know though that would not bring Matthew back and that is what I want the most...for Matthew to just be ok. For this all to be some sort of cruel joke. But it's not. Oh how I wish it was though.

Johnny is improving everyday and for that I am so grateful. We have little moments of peace and happiness. The school is doing some small memorial things and Matthew will get an honorary diploma in the spring and we will be able to accept it for him when the rest of his classmates graduate. It is better then nothing but I wish I could see Matthew walk across that stage instead.

Alicia came down (or up?) from Hawaii for Matthew's funeral service and brought her youngest baby with her. Her name is Emma and she is nine months old. She is just about the sweetest little baby ever. So pretty...with big blue eyes (kinda remind me of Crystal's actually...not quite as light as Matthew's were) and brownish colored hair with a small tint of red. She is going to grow up to be a beautiful little girl. Anyhow Alicia got here at 6:00 Wednesday morning and came to the funeral service. She came and got Johnny and I Friday morning and we went to the cemetery to do the balloon release. It was a beautiful day and the balloons flew away really fast. I like to think they along with the notes went to Matthew up in heaven :*(.

Alicia came back down on Saturday and picked me up. She had her little sister with her as well as Emma and we headed to the Altamonte Mall to go to Build-A-Bear. Emma made a little orange tabby cat (named her Cali), Amy (Alicia's little sister) made a purple peace bear who she named Purple and I made a little white bunny with small patches on it and I named her Flopsy. The last time I went to Build-A-Bear was with Matthew and Johnny. We had went to the mall to get Matthew some new shorts (a whole other story LOL) and I went to Build-A-Bear to make me a new bear. I cannot remember which one/s I got that day but I do remember Matthew was teasing me for making the bears because I was the only adult there to make a bear for myself. I found myself thinking of that when I was making the bunny on Saturday though. I could hear in my head Matthew laughing because I was again the only adult there to make a bear for myself.

Sunday and Monday we did not do a whole lot. Just stuck around the house mostly. Since Johnny is doing so much better and got clearance from his primary care doctor and his pain management doctor he is trying to get the truck on the road but the guy that sold it to Matthew has to be there and it is hard to get it arranged since we do not have a vehicle ourselves to drive down there and have to get a ride from somebody else. We have to work around the guy's schedule who sold the truck and the person's schedule who is driving us which makes it extremely challenging. Hopefully we can get that done this week. I think when we have a car to drive again and can get out of the house it may make coping a little easier. Being stuck in the house all the time with so many reminders of Matthew around just makes things really tough on all of us.

Well I am signing off for the evening since I only have about another 2 1/2 hours til Nickolas starts getting up for school. Got to try to get some sleep myself if I can. Johnny always lets me sleep in whenever he can so if I do fall asleep I know he will not wake me up unless he absolutely has to. Hopefully tomorrow (or today really I guess) will be a little better then the last few days. Everyone keeps saying it will get easier but I keep waiting and so far it has been just as hard or harder then the day of the accident :(

For Matthew

2011-09-01T20:01:00.001-04:00

visitation and funeral

2011-09-01T14:07:00.002-04:00

Tuesday was visitation for Matthew and Wednesday was the day for funeral services. It was a nice service. I wish there were more people there for him but the turnout was nice considering school had started and a lot of family live out of town (or out of state for some). It was really hard to see Matthew like that. In my mind he is a strong young man who never got hurt and this not only hurt him it killed him. But seeing him in the casket it did not seem real. He looked like a wax mannequin and was so cold. The funeral director came to us to tell us that he had to close the casket before we left for the cemetery and asked if we wanted to leave the room for that or be there for it. I could not stand the thought of seeing Matthew closed up so I told him that we did not want to see it. Johnny agreed with me on that as well. So we said our final goodbye and walked outside. We waited while he was loaded onto the hearse and got in the car to follow it. As soon as we got on the road it started raining. There was a short service at the cemetery and the pastor said to everyone that it was concluded. We all stood around for a few minutes and talked. We left then to go get a late lunch with Crystal, Alen and Nickolas. Afterwards we came home and Crystal and Alen went to get the balloons. My plan was to tie our notes to the balloons and release them. I was so tired though I fell asleep and did not wake up until about 8:00 this morning. The balloons had all lost the helium and were on the floor. That made me cry because I really wanted to do that. We will just have to do it another day though I guess. Now that those are over and done it is like it is all hitting me really hard. Just seeing him that way was next to impossible. I did not think I could feel worse then the day I found out he did not make it but I did when I saw him lying in the casket. It made it all real for me. I am so sad and I know Johnny is feeling the same way. This is defenitely the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life.

hospital stay is almost over

2011-08-24T02:34:00.003-04:00

We got word yesterday that the hospital stay is almost over. We will be going to pick Johnny up tomorrow afternoon. It will be almost five weeks from the day of the accident. The funeral will be next week sometime. It is so hard to even think about that day right now. I am so happy about Johnny coming home but soooo sad about Matthew. It is so hard to feel those two conflicting emotions at the same time. How can I be so happy to have my husband when my son is not here? I guess now that I am finally starting to really slow down and plan the last little things I have to do for Matthew's service I am really starting to feel everything all at once and it is overwhelming. I thought I had felt the worst I would but I was so wrong. Everywhere I look and everything I do it seems brings some memory of Matthew to my mind.

2011-08-23T00:29:00.001-04:00

This song is so fitting for Matt.

not much going on today

2011-08-21T11:24:00.003-04:00

Johnny is getting better and better everyday with his walking. He can now stand up, get out of bed and walk unassisted. He demonstrated that late one night when he did not feel like calling for a nurse or getting me up :P Of course that is not what he is supposed to be doing but it is a good sign. On sundays though he does not have any therapy so we are just sitting in the room watching tv today. Tomorrow Nick goes back to school so I won't be able to stay up here quite as often as I was before. I am still hoping to be able to come everyday though. The last bit of evidence of the accident and stay in the hospital is almost gone as he is getting his stitches out today from the chest tube. The doctor said they should have been removed already but they obviously forgot about it. He said he is glad they are being taken out cause they irritate him and are kinda itchy. So that is good news too. The respiratory therapists are all really pleased with his breathing and what they hear in his lungs. He is supposed to be able to breathe up to 20 lbs on the little breathing thing (actual name of the device escapes me right now) and he can breathe up to 40 lbs so in that aspect he is doing great. I am really surprised every single day about how good he does on everything. I honestly did not expect to be where we are today four weeks ago!!

not a whole lot new...

2011-08-18T09:57:00.003-04:00

We are closing in on the first week here at rehab...well rather Johnny is I am just here for support. He is doing remarkably well I believe. His therapists all say the same thing about him so that is encouraging. Although I am not sure they would say he doing badly since it is their job to encourage him and motivate him. But the progress he has made in the last couple days is amazing to me. He has went from not being able to stand at all to being able to walk using a rail or walker. He does all that without complaining (well not complaining much anyhow.) He has about 3-4 hours of therapy everyday which is broke down in 30-60 minute time chunks. It is mostly in the morning early afternoon so by 2:00 he is usually done. Sometimes he will have one later afternoon session though. This morning he finally lost the last bit of evidence of being in the hospital though and that was his trach tube. He has a little while before it heals though and while it is healing he will have a little difficulty talking but I think he is so happy to finally have it gone so he is not complaining at all. He is remembering a little more everyday too. Like yesterday we played rummy and he did great on that. He even came close to winning. Playing Uno the other day was not as good. He just could not remember how to play. I think it will come back to him slowly though. That is about it for today I guess. His release is tentatively set at August 30th so I have my fingers crossed for then or hopefully sooner.

Long day today-first official day of therapy

2011-08-15T22:39:00.002-04:00

Today started early and honestly it was such a whirlwind of activity and people I do not remember everything. Part of the reason why I am blogging everything that happens in the last few weeks I guess.

So Johnny went today for speech, occupational & physical therapy. I went with him for the physical therapy. It basically consists of him walking with his walker down the hall to the end and back and then doing sidesteps while holding onto the railings. After he did that he went into the gym and 'ran' on this machine where he basically sits down and moves his feet back and forth to imitate the running motion. It was somewhat slow as he went 1/4 mile in like eight minutes. After he did that he came back to the room and ate lunch. When lunch was done his parents came for a visit and he had to go back to speech and occupational therapy. Since I did not go to those I am not sure what happened. His speech therapist did evaluate him today to see if he can swallow liquids again. He did ok with that and will be getting a swallow study sometime tomorrow so I have my fingers crossed they will lift the limitations on his diet. I think it will make him a tiny bit happier to be able to eat and drink what he wants/likes.

The doctors are still working on finding the right balance for his pain medications as well. I hope they can do that because I have seeing him in pain.

Today was the first day Johnny was able to go outside and get some fresh air in weeks. I asked the therapist if she thought it would be ok for me to wheel him down to the porch they have here on this floor and she said it would be a great idea. So after all the therapy was done we walked down there. Well I walked and pushed him in his chair. We sat outside on the porch and just talked for a little while. Then his nurse tracked us down and gave Johnny his pain medication at which time he told me he was ready to head back to the room. I pushed him down the hall and then back to his room. I think it did him some good to get some fresh air and get out of bed for a little while.

So that is about all for today. it was a really long day. My neck is killing me again which sucks. I think the herniated disk in my neck might be pressing on a nerve again but I am just ignoring it because I know Johnny needs me and I know he is hurting enough for both of us so he does not need me to complain right now. Hoping he keeps improving as much as he has been. Everyday he continues to amaze me with his progress when I compare it to last week or the week before. Hopefully he will be home in another week or ten days or so. We'll just have to wait and see I guess.

Up and walking today

2011-08-14T23:32:00.003-04:00

Johnny is still in a lot of pain everyday. He is going to be though because of the two previous accidents and the injuries from them he has built up such a tolerance to pain medicine now. I kept telling him in the past he should take the pills only when he absolutely had to and try to learn to get through the pain in other ways. He did not listen to me and now is kinda wishing he had. Not that I want to make him feel bad but I don't know I was just scared one day he would need more pain relief then the doctors were willing to prescribe. He is trying to make it through though.

Johnny was really up and about today. He was in the chair for awhile today. About half the day. It was nice to see him like that. He also was able to use the walker and you almost could not tell he had had an accident. It was kinda sad too cause he has lost so much weight now. Had a visitor today too which we did not expect. Our daughters friend from school stopped by. She does not talk to him anymore we but still do. He is a good kid. So that was it basically. Johnny will start the real therapy in the morning too. So I will update later tomorrow.

therapy starting

2011-08-13T23:14:00.002-04:00

Johnny started his therapy today. It was kinda overwhelming I think. He did a little physical therapy. Mostly just a little stretching and trying tot see where he is at. Then he did speech therapy. That was also just an evaluation as well. She just talked to him and asked him a bunch of questions. I guess while I was gone today he did the occupational therapy evaluation. It was about 2-3 hours of therapy sessions. I am kinda looking forward to the next ones because it is a new start which 22 days ago I was not sure he would get to. I was thinking about taking my camera to the hospital. Not because I want to remember why he is there but to record his recovery. I dont know though. I mean I hate NOT taking pictures now because it feels like Ill never know when my last chance to get one will be after losing Matthew.

Transfer completed...rehab starts

2011-08-12T19:22:00.003-04:00

Johnny got the official order that he is being transferred today at around 2:00. We knew he was being transferred but we were not sure when that would happen. The thing is the nurses were trying to get his heart monitor to work so he missed lunch because by the time they were done rolling him around he was tired and passed out. The lady from nutrition came by and picked up his lunch because he was asleep and he did not get to eat lunch. That was bad enough but then the nurse decided not to bring him his pain medication at 2:00 "because he was so tired and sleeping so soundly" even though she knew he was being transferred at 5:00. So now here it is 7:30 and he has not had any pain medication since 10:00AM!! He is just about dying from the pain. And the rehab place has to get him in the computer and get the pain meds ordered by the doctor so we are still waiting for that. Well I should say Johnny is still waiting. Grrr!! I am so annoyed with his nurse today. That was just a bonehead thing to do skipping his pain meds.

long long week!!

2011-08-12T02:21:00.002-04:00

Well we are approaching 21 full days at the hospital now. I cannot believe it has been 3 weeks already. Seems impossibly long and short at the same time. It is hard to be here with him because honestly I take the brunt of all his anger most of the time when he is frustrated or agitated. I have to be the one telling him no you cannot do that too because the nurses are not in here all the time. I can deal with most of what he says though. Sometimes it gets to me so I just go downstairs or go for a short walk. But he has gotten his feeding tube out and they took the catheter out too. He only has oxygen going to the trach tube and his IV in. He is able to eat now too. Only solids the consistency of pudding (or thicker I guess). He cannot have liquids at his point. Today the doctors ordered his trach tube to be sized down which is really good. He only has to go down one more size and then have it capped and it can be taken out. So looking forward to that day. He is looking at being transferred tomorrow and will be starting pretty intensive physical therapy then. I am kinda looking forward to that but kinda not because he cannot have me stay overnight with him. But at the same time he will be home really soon I know.

Wednesday night when I got to the hospital after running out to get him some pajama bottoms I came in with Crystal and Johnny was crying. I have never in 20 years seen him cry. It was crazy for me to see that. So I automatically thought he somehow knew about Matthew. I asked him before assuming though what was wrong and he said "they told me" I said "they told you what?" and then thats where I thought he said "About Matt". It was really something about going home but I did not know that. So at that point Johnny started asking me what happened to Matthew. I did not know what to say because I was not sure at that point if telling him would be a good idea. So I just told him he was in the car with Johnny when he had the accident. At which point Johnny told me to leave because I should be with Matt not him. I told him I could not go to Matt. He asked me why they would not let me see Matt. That he didn't understand. So I told him Matt did not make it. I just have a hard time saying he died even now. Johnny asked me three times if I am sure. I told him I was and he asked if I saw him. From there when he was convinced I knew it was him he started really crying. Oh how it hurt me to see him cry. I do not know what it is but seeing him cry just about broke my heart. I mean I cried and cried when I found out but seeing Johnny hurt over it was almost to much for me. I just held him til he could talk. So then he asked me the details and as I filled them in he started to remember little bits and pieces of the day. He said he remembered going to get dinner and stopping at Bojangles to get Matthew something to eat. Matt loved Bojangles. It took me a little while to get him to try their food though. Johnny said that is about all he can remember of the accident. I do not really want him to remember the actual accident. I cannot imagine how painful it would be to remember actually seeing our son dead next to him in the car. I think it is good he forgot/does not remember.

So now that I have told him about Matthew at least part of me is relieved because now I can talk about him if I want to with Johnny without fearing I will break down and if I do start crying at least he would understand why I am crying. In any event it is done and now we can be on the road to healing together.

Johnny may be transferred to Lucerne tomorrow which is really good. That means he is doing a lot better and now can get on the road to healing physically. He has done so well so far which is great!! I am surprised he is where he is right now especially after seeing the car. It is crazy how bad it was. I saw it again at the tow yard and it was really tough. I did not go over to see the car because I was afraid there might be blood everywhere. Johnny wants me to get pictures of it though because he does want to see it. Im not sure I can do that but will if Johnny really wants to see it. It will be gone in about two weeks so I know he wont be able to be out to see it.

So in a nutshell that is pretty much our week. Like I said it was a LONG week!! I am still missing Matthew so much. Not sure that will ever be something I can say will end. Its only been three weeks so I know that is not a long time to be feeling much better. At the same time I feel like Wow its been three weeks. I never went a night or two without seeing Matthew and then it was only when he was at his grandparents that I would go that long without seeing him. It feels crazy to not see him and I am tempted to just call his number to talk to him or go into his room just to see him sleeping. That is so hard not to be able to do that. Miss him so much.

more progress....(and a little venting)

2011-08-10T09:18:00.007-04:00

It has been an agonizingly long week for Johnny and for me. Johnny is in restraints because his feeding tube will not stay in. He has pulled it out, coughed it out and thrown it up. The doctors had to order restraints in hopes it would stay in. It has been out at least once a day since leaving the ICU. He is frustrated. I am frustrated. I am trying not to blame him but it is hard when he is getting angry at me and all I am doing is trying to keep him safe and comfortable by not letting him hurt himself in anyway. Well I said progress right? So the progress is he is having physical therapy come down and they are getting him up to sit in the chair and go to the bathroom. He is also going to have a swallow test today which basically is going to tell us whether or not he can swallow solid foods. So both of those are awesome news. But even better they took the catheter out today so he can go to the bathroom if he can get up and walk there. So now all he has connected to him is the IV and the oxygen for his trach tube!! The doctors talked to me about a rehab center for him so he can get some intense physical therapy. So that will be good for him. They will help him get stronger alot faster there. So yay for good news!! For these little bits of good stuff I can tolerate the pain in the butt stuff and even tolerate him getting mad at me for something I cannot control. Just thinking it'll get him home sooner is enough.

So now for the venting. I saw a comment on an article online today about the accident. This was the comment:

"Shaina1 at 6:24 AM July 24, 2011

Running a red in not uncommon. It was an accident. Plain and simple."

I have this to say to little Ms. Shaina1:

An accident is defined as:

an undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally and usually results in harm, injury, damage, or loss; casualty; mishap

This was NO ACCIDENT! When you are driving a car in an unsafe or unlawful manner you are making a choice to do so. It is like going outside your house and shooting off a gun in random directions. You may not shoot someone today or tomorrow but if you did it everyday eventually you would shoot someone and quite possibly kill them. If you run a red light even only every once in a while you will eventually hit someone. If you are doing this it is by a choice you have made. Most of the time people hit their gas when they see a yellow light because they think they can "beat" a red light. well guess what you cannot always do that. But you know what else? This guy did not run a YELLOW light he ran a RED light. There were no brakes applied at the accident scene. My husband and son were almost across the road entirely when they were hit and they were pushed easily a good 20 feet maybe even 30 or 40. The car is crushed to where the entire passenger side and rear passenger side is into the driver side. Not only that the car frame is twisted around sideways. This guy was FLYING!! He had beer in his backseat on a Friday night. He was worried about getting home and getting drunk. He has a previous traffic related incident which was alcohol related and numerous unsafe driving citations. People need to realize driving is NOT a RIGHT...it is a PRIVILEGE. It should be taken away from those who demonstrate that they have no concern for the other people who share the roadway. I am so tired of people trying to make excuses for their behavior and getting mad when they get caught for stuff like speeding and running red lights...just driving unsafely period. You agree to follow all the laws of the road every time you get behind the wheel of a car. Not just when it is convenient for you. I dont give a shit if it makes a person late because they have to drive 45 and not 75. Leave earlier. Do not think it is ok to endanger thousands for a few minutes of your time. Otherwise the next person killed could be your loved one. It is a horrible experience...one that with just a little more care and consideration would not happen as often as it does.

tired of the bullcrap...

2011-08-09T08:04:00.000-04:00

This post is not about Johnny. I do not really care if it offends anyone either. I am so over it now. My priority right now is my husband. So when I go to get the personal belongings out of OUR car and find out that certain people had their bosses call and tell the lady at the tow company that I am not in the picture and haven't been in years I am pissed. (and yes I said ours...I AM Johnny's wife. We do not have mine and his. It is ours. Everything WE own. Sorry if you do not like that or if that is not how YOUR marriage is. Besides the fact that I had stuff in the car too!!). I have stayed out of the bickering I hear about for the most part since this whole thing happened. I have kept my mouth shut and have not said anything to anyone about what I thought but I am done doing that. I love Johnny. I have stood by his side for years. When we broke up it was not a choice I wanted to make. Johnny was treating me badly. He has expressed remorse for that everyday since and has told me he would do anything to change it. If you do not believe me ASK HIM!! He will tell you if you ever bothered to ask. But you know what? It should not matter. My family accepted him back when he and I got back together and keep any opinion they have of what happened in the past to themselves. It is none of their business and it is none of anyone in Johnny's family either. What should matter is not what I did or he did in the past but what we are doing in the present and what we plan for OUR future. I am not going anywhere and the only person who will ever make me not be here is Johnny. So basically what it boils down to is if you do not like me that is fine but you know what? Johnny does not just like me he LOVES me. That should be all that matters. So stop talking crap about me unless you have the nerve to say it TO ME. Now that I have said what I think I really hope all the crap talking will stop because I am just tired of it. I need to concentrate on getting my husband better and getting him home and hearing this crap I have been hearing is not going to make that easier. I have been ignoring it but the simple fact is I should have nothing to ignore. This just is not the time to be doing it. I lost my son which in itself is tragic but to top it off I cannot even grieve because I do not want Johnny to know until he is well enough to. So to try to hold all of my emotions in just dealing with Johnny being sick and Matt being gone is hard enough. I should never have to deal with lies and name calling from anyone. If you really care about Johnny and his well being this will end and if you do not have JOHNNY'S best interests at heart then you will just stop interfering and allow us to get through this as a family.

moved again

2011-08-07T17:23:00.000-04:00

I left the house today around 11:30 or so and got up here shortly after noon. I went straight up to the part of the hospital where Johnny was and buzzed to be let in. I go into the room and he is not there. The bed and everything is gone. That kinda scared me then the secretary tells me oh he has been moved to the MD Anderson Building up on the 11th floor. OK well I am supposed to be notified of any moves before they happen so I was a little irritated about that. So she says she will take me up and show me where he is. We head down the hall to the elevator and up to almost the top floor. But he is in a seperate part of the hospital now (there are four hospitals here which are ORMC, MD Anderson, Winnie Palmer and Arnold Palmer). He is now in MD Anderson. You can still get to this part through ORMC though. So I get up here and go to the nurses desk and the secretary has to look it up which room he is in because she does not know. She finds it and lets me know and we walk down to his room. The nurse has to give him a bath before I can see him so I go to the cafeteria and get something to eat. I come back up and he is still not ready so I wait a little while longer and finally am able to come in and see him. The nurse comes in and says hello and then gets him some meds but he cant have all the meds he is supposed to because his tube has come out yet again so it has to go in by IV. He gets the meds and it does not really seem to help but we have to wait for x-rays to see if he can get them through his feeding tube. So they finally just left after x-raying hopefully he will be able to get his medicines now. At any rate him being moved to this room is actually good because it means I can stay with him overnight. I might need to get some ear plugs though because he is kinda loud in his breathing. But I am just happy to be able to stay with him overnight.

Day 15...small setbacks

2011-08-06T18:58:00.001-04:00

I will start off with the good stuff first...Johnny has been off the ventilator since 3:30 AM on Friday. So it has been well over 24 hours now. That is awesome. All he is getting is the supplemental oxygen and I think he is at like 35%. The nurse said they can only go down to 28%. So not much longer and I think he will not need the oxygen or ventilator at all. They did the x-ray on his arm last night....I did not get to talk to the doctor today but the nurse said that if there was something wrong with his arm then they would have either set it or scheduled a surgery. So that is good as well.

Now for the bad. Johnny has two tubes going into his nose. One is to deliver meds and food to his intestine I think. The other is to drain his stomach so he does not get sick. This morning he pulled the one which drains his stomach out. So he is back in the arm restraints. He is not happy about that. So when he kept asking me to take the restraints off and I told him no he got pretty agitated. He pointed at me then at the door so I said what do you want me to leave? and he shook his head yes. That was hard. I know he does not mean it though. he does not understand why they have him strapped I'm sure because he is not purposely trying to pull out the hose it is just a natural reaction. So that is really the only bad thing I guess. He probably will not even remember saying that to me so I tried to just ignore it.

The funny thing is when I would not undo the restraints he started making a cutting motion with his fingers and I asked what he wanted and then asked do you want scissors? He nodded yes. I said why so you can cut the restraints? and he nodded yes again. Crystal was in there with me and she saw the scissors on the tray so she held them up and he motioned for Crystal to hand him the scissors and when she said no he smacked the bed. I can only imagine what is happening inside his head and it made us laugh. I know its not right but he was just so funny with how determined he was to get the restraints off. While I was in there though I did take them off for him for a little bit. Just made sure to watch where he put his hands so they weren't anywhere near the tube going into his nose.

Moved to step down ICU

2011-08-05T23:05:00.000-04:00

Johnny got moved sooner then I expected. At 9:00 when visiting hours were over he was being moved to the step down unit. He is still off the ventilator at that time but may need to be put back on at some point. Visiting hours are a little longer then at ICU and less strict. I still will not be able to stay over night though which sucks but I am just happy he is progressing as well as he is. It was 2 weeks exactly to the time he was admitted to ICU that he was sent out to the step down unit. So tomorrow when we go to see him I will be able to go to the new room. Hopefully the step down unit will be a shorter stay and he will get to the main floor quickly.

moving really soon

2011-08-05T19:07:00.000-04:00

I'm still at the hospital this evening. Just waiting for my ride to get here. But the doctor told me tonight they are ready for him to be moved to the step down unit and are just waiting for a bed. So if they had a bed open up tomorrow he would be over there. He was doing really good today. He was off the ventilator from about 3:30 AM and was still off at 6:00 when I left. That is over 14 hours of being off! Prior to today he had only been off for like 8 hours. It won't be long and he will be off for good I'm sure. He was complaining of his arm hurting today. The doctor said he is going to order x-rays because it could have something wrong with it. I'm hoping it is OK but that arm was pretty swollen right after the accident. Its his right arm so it would be the one that would have been hit by the direction the car was coming from. I guess though that is not the worst we could be facing obviously. I'm not sure when they will do the x-rays though. I'm hoping it will be tonight.

More good news

2011-08-04T19:05:00.000-04:00

Today I got to the hospital and Johnny was off the ventilator again. He was off last night for eight hours then back on for a few hours and today he was off from about 8:00 to 2:30. So he is getting stronger in that regard. The cultures on his blood, urine and sputum all came back negative so as far as they can tell there is no infection. The doctor said that just being on the ventilator can sometimes cause you to run a fever. His doctor has ordered him to be moved to the step down ward which is a step down from ICU. So that means he is definitely improving because the step down unit is a step above the main floor and two steps from going home. The beds are all taken there though so he has to wait for a bed to open there. So definitely a positive step. I will be happy to have him come off the ICU finally.

I guess that is all the news about him for now. The only other news I have is our daughter got a job at CVS and will be training to be a pharmacy tech. She gets paid for going to school and the school will also be paid for. I am so proud of her. I am hoping this will get her back into going to school and enjoying it and maybe she will go for a nursing degree or a pharmacy degree.

just a song for now

2011-08-04T07:59:00.000-04:00

good and bad news...

2011-08-03T20:00:00.000-04:00

It was not the best day for Johnny today. He was very tired but I think that was because they increased his medication today. He did wake up for a little while and insisted that he be given a pen to write but he was not able to write anything. I have no clue what he keeps trying to say to me. It is not about Matthew I don't think. He takes the pen and holds it in his hand. Sometimes he can make the pen mark on the paper but he has still not been able to write any words. He made what looked like a smiley face though. I just do not think that was his intentions. At any rate he is still trying to "talk". So the bad news was he was back on the ventilator when I got there and he was running a fever again. They did cultures on his blood, urine and sputum to see if there is another infection. So it is bad news but not horrible and not something he wont get through I am sure. OK the good news now is he was able to be taken back off the ventilator again this evening and he was doing OK off of it when I left. So hopefully he will stay off longer this time. The goal is to get him off for 24 hours and after he can do that he SHOULD be able to stay off of it. They also increased his nutrition today because I guess he was not getting enough calories and was burning what he got when he gets agitated. Oh also they removed the tube which drains whatever is in the stomach. The nurse told me he does not need it anymore because he had not gotten sick in awhile...so more good news! So while it is hard to see him that way at least he did make some improvements.

12th day...hoping for good news

2011-08-03T07:48:00.000-04:00

I could not sleep anymore so I got up and got some stuff done and then laid down with the computer to listen to some music and catch up online. Today will make the 12th day though. It seems like such a long time but at hte same time it feels like nothing. It feels like a long time because it has been 12 days since I saw Matt and I miss him so much. Still constantly have that weight on my chest which makes it hard just to breathe in but then when I am with Johnny and focusing on him I am able to let go of that a little. I know I will always miss him and wish things could be different though. Then the 12 days have gone by kinda quickly because it feels like I get to the hospital and get in to see him and it is time to leave. I cannot wait for him to be in his own room. I know it will be just a few more days. It is looking like he just might be here for a month like I was thinking. He is still being weaned off the fentenol. That is a major step. When I left last night he was off the ventilator as well and that is another big step. Then he has to be able to swallow and I think that is the last big step. All of those big steps are accomplished by teeny tiny baby steps though which seem to take an impossibly long time to do. It isn't that I cannot wait for him though. Even if it took a year for him to get better and come home to me I would wait. I just really miss him too. It is so weird to be home and not have him there. Without him there the house just gets so quiet. Only a few more hours til we leave for the hospital though and I am really hoping there will be some positive updates for me when I get there. I think that is the most nervous time for me since I usually do not call before going. So I never know what to expect when I go there.

I got a text yesterday from my aunt about going to pick out the cemetery plot for Matthew. Those final details are probably going to be the hardest I think. I know it has to be done but I really just cannot stand the thought of putting him in the ground. It would be nice if the people who are responsible for stuff like this happening in the world were the ones who had to suffer all the consequences but unfortunately that is not how it usually ends up happening.

It seems like you always hear on the news that some drunk driver caused an accident or someone ran a red light and people lose their lives or they are not ever the same because of some horrible injury sustained from the accident but the person responsible does not suffer at all. I don't want to hear how he is probably suffering too from what he did because it is never going to compare to what our family has lost. He did not know Matt and does not have any idea what he has taken from us. He will eventually move on after he faces whatever consequences are coming his way and the memory will fade for him. He will probably keep driving just like the asshole he is. While I do not even want to go home. I have to go past the spot where the accident happened and know that is the place my son breathed his last breath and wonder just what his last moments of life were like. If he was scared or if he even knew it was about to happen. And wonder if when the troopers tell me he did not suffer and was killed on impact if they are telling me the truth or just trying to reassure me that my worst fears are not true.

Well I have to figure out what I am going to wear today and get ready to go. I will update later this evening on what happens today. If he is still on the ventilator, if there are any new test results, if he talks at all etc. Hoping for some more good news. It feels like that is all that keeps me going some days.

fourth day being alert

2011-08-02T22:55:00.000-04:00

So I get to the hospital today and had a meeting with a lawyer. I needed to find out what to do about the insurance companies who keep calling/sending letters. He advised me on what to do and after talking for a few minutes he left and I went to go see Johnny. He was sitting up in a chair. He looked uncomfortable though. But he was up and that is what counts. He was asleep more today then yesterday. I talked to him for a bit and he is getting back to his old self. He told me he wanted me to sneak him out of the hospital. Ummm where in my back pocket? That made me laugh. Sad thing is I think he was serious. He does not want to be there that's for sure. Then he wanted me to get him a drink of water. Of course he is not allowed to drink anything so I had to tell him no to that too. I felt bad by the time I left. About the time I left they had taken him off the ventilator again so I was glad to see that. He was OK though and once he is off of it for 24 hours he will be transferred out of the ICU. I cannot wait for that day!!

very small update but pretty much the best news yet

2011-08-01T23:28:00.000-04:00

I call every night before going to bed since I cannot be with Johnny all night to see how he is doing. He was on the ventilator when I left and was not breathing well at all. I guess it feels better to breathe really shallow and fast instead of slow and deep for him so we were not sure when they would attempt to take him off the ventilator...well I guess they were able to do that between when I left and now. So now all he has on is supplemental oxygen which is GREAT! He may have to go back on the ventilator but that is normal. The fact he was able to get off of it and so quickly well that makes me happy. I didnt think he would make it to that point before 2 weeks honestly at the rate he was going but he made it there in 10 days. So really now if he continues making progress at this rate he may be home sooner then I expected.

so so tired!

2011-08-01T20:39:00.000-04:00

I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I cannot describe how empty I feel right now. I have so much I really need to do...cleaning, taking care of the dog, cats & rabbits, cooking, yard work, home repairs. I just do not have the desire to do much of any of those things. I went home today and the dog had torn up EVERYTHING. She is one of those dogs who cannot be alone for long periods of time. So I had to clean that up. Then on top of that to have to deal with a bunch of bull crap drama. I am just done with it all.

Johnny was awake and alert again today. The tube has been removed from his lungs. He was sitting up in a chair today for a little while. He is almost in half on his fentenol which is the main medication they used on him to knock him out. So that is great news. He is tired though and wants to get out of bed. It is hard for him to understand that I'm sure. He answered some more questions for me as well. Like no he does not remember the accident, no he does not remember anyone visiting him....well me he does he said. But then that does not surprise me. I vaguely recall only about half of the visitors I had after having each of my kids. But I remember all of Johnny's visits. So still looking forward to hearing him talk and having him home. That will be an awesome day!!

and the questions start

2011-07-31T23:17:00.000-04:00

I was at the hospital today for a good part of the visitation time. Nickolas went with me and came back to the room for a little while. I guess that probably was not the best idea now because Johnny would wonder why I had Nick with me and not Matt. I do not think he put two and two together though and realized that Matthew was in the accident with him. I am not even sure he knows HE was in a car accident. He keeps looking around and at his arms and stuff like he is wondering why he is in the bed with all the tubes in him. So many things I realize he is not going to understand. Like where the time went....I am not sure how far back he will remember but since the last thing he did was run out to get dinner on the 22nd he has already lost like nine days. And then of course he is feeling pain from the accident but probably not quite sure why or whats wrong with him. And asking where Matt is too. I told him I did not understand what he was asking because I did not want to answer it. I do not want him to know Matt is gone but could not bring myself to lie to him either. Even if I did like the doctors said and just say Matt is being taken care of like him. It is still a lie of omission. I feel like if I do not tell him what happened he will be upset with me for keeping it from him. I just know there is no way that he is able to deal with it at this point. This is so hard and so unfair. Good people should not have to go through stuff like this and Johnny is one of the best people I know. He has such a big heart and I am not sure I want to be the one to have to break that heart by telling him what I know. I wish there was some way I could help him get through this without him having to feel all that I am going through. To just protect him from the hurt and pain. So not fair :(

restful night

2011-07-31T09:39:00.000-04:00

After a horrible morning yesterday and then the incredible evening I came home and went to bed at 10:00 and for the first time in what seems like forever I slept without waking every 20 minutes or having any really horrible dreams. I did wake up twice but was able to fall back asleep quickly. I think knowing he is really starting to progress now eased enough of the burdens on my mind to allow my mind and body to shut down and sleep. So now the next step is just to keep Johnny working towards his recovery and getting out of the hospital. With how much he was fighting to stay awake yesterday I believe he will be getting out much sooner then they predicted he would. Obviously he still has a long long road for recovery but I saw a glimpse of Johnny yesterday and I know that he will want to go home as soon as it is safe to do so. So he will be fighting to get off the meds and breathing machine until they release him.

Awake and alert...

2011-07-30T20:17:00.000-04:00

Today did not start out so great but after some time later in the afternoon Johnny actually woke up all the way and was completely alert. He had his eyes open and was looking around and even reached for my hand to hold it. He was still kinda in and out of it but just the fact he was able to stay so alert and not be agitated at the same time is just awesome. His breathing was getting somewhat fast but he was able to maintain it with me talking to him telling him to breathe deeply and to stay calm. I asked him to squeeze my hand and he was able to squeeze it. He could wiggle his toes and fingers as well when the nurse told him to. The doctor was thrilled to see him awake and alert and so calm. So even though its still sad for everything that has happened this is such incredible news.

Just one week...

2011-07-29T20:43:00.000-04:00

It has been one week now. Thinking about that just hurts my heart. A whole week since the accident. Well a week and two and a half hours give or take a few minutes. I am OK when I am doing something and staying busy. Otherwise I feel like I am falling apart. Every time we leave to go to the hospital I have no choice but to go right past the accident scene and I think how just five days or two days or whatever Matthew was alive on this side of the intersection and just seconds later he wasn't.

I had a dream I saw one of my husbands friends who also had a child pass away a few years ago and she gave me a hug and told me that it gets easier...well a lot of people say that. I cannot imagine it could get a whole lot harder. Her husband took Johnny aside and talked to him and in my dream I saw him cry. First time I ever saw him cry even if it was just a dream. I think that when he does find out seeing him break down is going to hurt me as much as it did when I found out. I cannot stand to see him hurting. We have been together for so long with the last 3 years being together 24 hours a day 7 days a week. We spent one day apart in those three years so Johnny could have a sleep test done and he snuck his cell phone in and texted me at least a dozen times before he fell asleep telling me how much he loved me and how hard it is to sleep in the bed alone. I feel the same way right now only I cannot text him or call him or even have the reassurance he would be home first thing in the morning. This whole thing just sucks. I miss them both so much.

So the update on Johnny: He was sick today. Like vomiting sick. Which is not good because obviously he can aspirate that. They took him off the nutrition for the night I think so that he would stop vomiting.He was just getting agitated when all of a sudden it came up. He had one of the drainage tubes removed but the other one is staying put for another day or two I am sure. They might try him off the ventilator tomorrow at least that's what the nurse mentioned today. He told me that most likely he could have it taken off then re-added because it is so easy to remove and try it to see how he feels. He was running a small fever so they have him on a cooling blanket. I think that is pretty much it I guess. Ill update sometime tomorrow I guess. Hopefully will have a better update then today's. Obviously it is not a horrible update but I want a really big positive one.

something lost

2011-07-29T06:46:00.001-04:00

I woke up today in a panic holding my hands to my heart and feeling like I had lost something very important. Or rather that someone had stolen something from me. I could not quite comprehend what I was looking for yet I knew there was something. This is my reality now every time I go to sleep and wake back up. And people wonder why I keep saying I do not want to sleep. It is a matter of seconds sometimes a minute or two in between the time I wake up with that sense of panic in my heart and head that I realize the loss I am feeling is not something I can find under the couch or in a closet. Then it all comes flooding back and I feel like my heart is shattering all over again like when I heard the news for the first time. When I stay awake though I can stay busy doing other stuff...focusing on what HAS to be done and not what has happened. Its when I go to sleep that I lose that sense of reality for just a few minutes or a few hours where my mind goes back to when everything is normal and then upon waking I long to be back in the dream state. It is like a constant back and forth of not wanting to be awake and not really wanting to be asleep either.

I was thinking about Matthew this morning and remembered this conversation I had with him a day or so before the accident. He was talking about a ground wire and a bolt in his truck but I did not know that I just heard him talking about the ground LOL So it went something like this:

Matt: I am trying to turn the bolt so I could see the ground under it.
Me: Why do you need to take the bolt out to see the ground? Why not just open the door and get out?
Matt: Mom what are you talking about. The ground is under the bolt.
Me: What are YOU talking about?!? (laughing as I gather what he is meaning)
Matt: I am talking about a ground WIRE.
Me: Ohhhhhhh...now I see.

Kinda just half listening to him and johnny talking when I asked the question about getting out of the truck. Matt just laughed and laughed. And teased me about being a natural blond.

feeling awful

2011-07-28T07:44:00.000-04:00

I got a call yesterday from both insurance companies. They wanted to let me know they were ready to issue checks for the entire policy limits. I do not care. I don't want any money. I want my son back. But instead my son is sitting in a funeral home being embalmed and prepared to be buried. I miss him so badly. It is making my heart ache physically it is such a deep pain. In the almost six days since this accident happened I think I have slept about eight hours. When I go to sleep I have nightmares or I wake up thinking it was all just a horrible dream and I look around for Johnny or Matt and realize one more time I am never going to wake up from my nightmare. It is my life now. Or rather what is left of it. I just don't know where to look to find meaning anymore and I am just tired of hurting all the time. This has been six days and it feels like six hundred. I close my eyes and I cannot even picture Matt's face anymore. I cannot remember what he sounded like. I ache to just hear him laugh...to see him smile. To hug him and tell him I love him one more time. I just want so much more...so many more memories then I was allowed to have of him. And all because of some idiot who could not stop his truck. No he saw that light and thought that he would make it through the intersection and when he didn't all he could think of was himself. Such a selfish person I don't understand why he was allowed to walk away alive and my son was not. What gave him the right to take my son from everyone who loved him. It is just not fair.

A New Year

2011-01-01T02:19:00.000-05:00

It seems like just yesterday I started this blog with the intention of doing Project 365 for the year. That did not quite work out how I wanted it to however and in the span of the year we had alot of changes in our lives some of which I have updated and some I have not. So this year I am starting off with the intention of blogging at least once a week and adding photos and layouts every week as well. I cannot say I will be doing a picture a day but it is my goal this year to document a whole lot more of our lives in photos. Here is a start...a layout I finished this evening to document my lovely daughter's engagement to her boyfriend/fiance'. She is very happy from everything I have seen of her so that is all I can ask for. She has set the date as November 11th (so 11/11/11). So that leaves us just a little over 10 months to plan it. Well she is planning it but I know she wants me to be included in the details as well so I should say I will be helping where she wants me to. I am sure I will post those details as well. Well as much as she will let me anyhow :) That's it for the night. Here is the layout for her engagement.

(image is linked to gallery w/credits)

a christmas survey

2010-12-01T09:47:00.000-05:00

A fun Christmas Survey

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? neither but if I had to choose egg nog

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? wrap

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? colored if it is all one color. I do not like multicolored lights...I do love white on a tree decorated all in white, all in light blue or a combo of silver/blue/white. So pretty

4. Do you hang mistletoe? nope

5. When do you put your decorations up? depends on my mood

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? turkey

7. Favorite Christmas memory as a child? opening presents on christmas morning. When I got a little older my parents just stopped celebrating christmas

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I dont rememeber

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? usually yes. We spend so much time on christmas day going from house to house that I usually let the kids open the presents at midnight here. This also lets us all sleep in on christmas day

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? red/gold decorations & white lights

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? never see it

12. Can you ice skate? probably. I can rollerblade and roller skate so I would think ice skating would not be much harder

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? yes...my husband bought these two little teddy bears from hallmark that have magnets in them so they hug each other. They sit on my desk year round. I love them

14. What’s the most important thing about Christmas for you? family time together

15. What is your favorite Christmas Dessert? dont have one

16. What is your favorite Christmas tradition? looking at christmas light displays

17. What tops your tree? a big bow

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Im going to be honest. I like both. But I like gifts which mean something more then just something someone just picked up to get it over with. I spend ALOT of time thinking about what the person I am buying for likes, what they need & what they want and try to get something that will include a little of all of these. I also like getting them something they would never expect.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? two step round the christmas tree

20. Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? depends on the flavor

21 Favorite Christmas Show? I dont have one

22. Saddest Christmas Song? christmas shoes

23. What’s your Wish for Christmas. to have my family together this christmas.

things are finally looking up for us!

2010-11-10T00:08:00.000-05:00

I've talked in the past on this blog about the accident we had almost two years ago (actually two weeks from today will be two years). Well in case I did not say exactly what happened here is the story:

We were out on a Sunday afternoon in November and were sitting at a red light on a major road down by UCF in Orlando. There was a truck in front of us at the red light and when the light turned green the driver of the truck started to move but kinda stalled/hesitated so we were unable to go until he did. Well all of a sudden there was a huge crash. It took a few seconds to register what exactly had happened at first I thought we had hit the truck but then I realized no we did not move forward...well not on our own we didn't. Some guy was coming up to the light and the best I can guess he figured we would be moving by the time he got to us and did not hit his brakes and hit us in the rear.

Johnny got out of the car after he hit us and went up to him and told him to pull over in an apartment complex that we needed to call the highway patrol and file a police report. The guy got really angry and said no that we should just go on our own way and pay for our own damages. We insisted it be handled through the police and filed with the insurance company. I guess that pissed him off because when he called the police when the officer got there he started with his lies. He had many variations of his side of the story but the basic thing stayed the same and that was that we backed up on the road and hit him not the other way around.

At first he said he was driving towards us at about 40 miles an hour and we backed up and he did not have time to react to it. Then the speed changed to 20-30 miles an hours but still insisted we were backing up and hit him. Well we get the police report back and it had changed once again to say he was sitting at the light and we were in front of him with nobody in front of us and we backed up into his vehicle before the light turned green. This was teh final statement to the police.

About eighteen months later we all had depositions and the guy who hit us again changed his story quite a bit. Now he had the same basic detail that we backed up into his car but now he also added that we were about five feet away from the front of his car when we started backing up and we caused right around 3000 dollars in damage to his vehicle. He also said that he estimated our speed to be about 40 miles per hour. Only way I see that being possible is if we were in some futuristic jet powered car. Short of that I do not know any vehicle which can do 40 mph in five feet of space in reverse. Heck I am not sure our car would do 40 mph in reverse no matter what distance we had. But that is besides the point. It gets much more interesting.

He then went on to say that we never got out of the car. Well I never did that is true but my husband most certainly did. He also claimed that we left the scene immediately after hitting him. He said we were gone for about ten minutes and while we were gone he pulled into the apartment complex parking lot and called police. Then we came back to the scene of the accident and waited for the police to come. Only for some reason he neglected to report to the operator upon calling 911 that we had taken off. That is hit and run and it is a crime!! I would think that would be an important detail you would not want to forget. Heck if it was me it would be one of the first things I told them.

So then the police get there and he does not tell the officer that we had left either. Now again I think that is pretty darn important to let them know. So he talks to the officer for about 10 minutes who then comes over to us and tells us what he had said and we tell him what had actually happened. He goes back over to talk to the other guy and then comes back to us and tells us he will not be issueing a ticket to decide who is at fault because he supposedly could not decide fault with the conflicting stories. Not that I am a police officer but I would think he could use common sense and make a deduction that his story did not make much sense but he did not. So after he took down our information (and issued a ticket to my husband for not having proof of insurance!!) we were on our way.

So after all the lies this guy told the lawyers and most likely the insurance adjuster did not believe him. Big surprise right? The mediator, lawyers and insurance adjuster did some negotiating and we managed to reach a settlement that would pay off our medical expenses, our lawyers fees, a loan we had on the settlement and still leave us some money for pain and suffering. I would have liked to have gotten much more out of the suit but hoenstly the way things are we would have been waiting years and there is absolutely no guarantee the jury would agree that we were in the right and deserved anything. So it is what it is. It also would have been very nice if the guy who hit us had actually admitted what he did and apologized to us for what he has put us through with his lies. But he didn't so I guess like the old saying goes karma will come back around to him.

Well anyhow long story short we are done with the accident and the lawsuit and moving on now. It is good news and I am happy with the outcome.

Week 5 down...47 to go!!

2010-02-04T15:08:00.000-05:00

OMGosh it has been a really long week!! I have started riding bikes with my husband a couple times a week and I never realized how out of shape I am. I mean five years ago I could ride 10 miles and not even feel it. I try to ride 3 or 4 miles and I am sore. Ill keep it up though and it will get better. Anyhow I have missed a few days so filled in with pictures from other days. I took over a hundred photos this week. That is alot for me because none of the guys in my family (my hubby and sons) like taking pictures.

I was just walking in the woods with my husband and I noticed this leaf and how it was so bright against the other leaves/twigs on the ground. I think it looked kinda pretty.

This picture was also out in the woods. It is a path that goes for miles and has swampy/wetlands on either side. It is so peaceful out there. Normally you do not not see anyone else while you are out there but we did run into one person out there. We stopped and chatted for a little while and he showed us on his map a few of the other paths we could take. While we were out there we did hear a wild hog (or a gator). They both make snorting sounds so its kinda hard to tell which it was but going by the hog rooting all the way down the path most likely it was hogs.

This is an old bridge out in the middle of the woods. There is no motor traffic so I know cars do not really use it anymore but I love the way it looks. I mean I could imagine this photo in sepia/black and white and it would be like stepping back in time for a second.

Haha kinda a no brainer huh? I mean I have lived here in Florida my whole life and never been tempted to feed a gator. We see them all the time in the lakes and rivers (sometimes even pools or inside peoples houses according to the news) but they leave you alone if you leave them alone for the most part. (not so much during breeding season or if you disturb a momma gator). But to feed a gator? Yea not a good idea.

This was taken at the botanical Gardens. I don't know what it is about this statue I just thought it was so cute. There were several more which I took pictures of as well but this one is my favorite.

Most of the flowers at Leu Gardens were dead/dying but there were a few that were still in bloom. It is like 50 acres I think of all kinds of trees/flowers/plants and they do not cover the plants in freezes apparently because they want plants which will survive our weather here. (aside from the fact that that would be a monumental task to cover all the plants there!!) Well we did have a bad freeze this winter so I was not surprised that there was so much damage there. It is free to get in on the 1st Monday of the month though so I do try to go if it is possible.

And now that brings me to today's photo. OMGosh it was an interesting day at the wetlands. My tire exploded (sounded like a gun being fired), Johnny almost stepped on a rattlesnake and then almost runs into a gator as well. He is so bad about watching where he walks though. Worse then a kid sometimes. So this is the gator he almost ran into. I was about ten feet or so from him when I got this picture. I enjoy going out to the wetlands because it really is neat to see so many animals in their natural habitat. Well that was pretty much my week so far. I am going to try harder to make sure to take a picture everyday next week too because it kinda feels like cheating even if I would be the only one who actually knows.

All Caught up!!

2010-01-30T14:16:00.000-05:00

I just finished Week 4's layout so technically I am all caught up now. Well almost....I have pictures to take/edit/upload still. Yesterday's photo is of Nickolas and Im not sure yet what today's photo will be. I usually have something by 6 or 7 at night though. Tomorrow will most likely be some sort of nature shot because we are going for a bike ride tomorrow out in Wedgefield. Then on Monday Orlando Wetlands open so we are planning on taking the bikes out there. Should be able to get some close-ups of alligators there. So here are the finished layouts and I will be back Monday or Tuesday with some photos.

(supplies used: Viva La Vida-Bella Gypsy, A New Beginning-Connie Prince, Photo A Day template-Chrissy W and Edgy template-Traci Reed, Forest Frolic-Bella Gypsy)

January 22nd to January 28th

2010-01-28T22:54:00.000-05:00

I have been so behind on everything I did not get a chance to update my blog yet this week. I got all the pictures uploaded tonight while everyone else watched Supernatural because I really do not like that show so I figured I'd finish this up in the meantime.

January 22nd-Johnny and I have been going for bike rides every other night or so and I always take my camera because well you just never know what you'll see LOL. On this night we passed these ducks on the way out and since they were still there on the way home I stopped and snapped a photo of them. I caught the one while he was moving so he is kinda a blur but the other one just stood there.
January 23rd-The birds have been coming back to the yard almost everyday now. On this day there were several types of birds. One of them was hopping around on just one leg and when I tried to get closer to see if it was ok they all flew away. This one did not fly very far though. If you look closely you can see one of the other birds in the tree behind him. Im pretty sure the white one is a Great Egret but Im not sure about the one in the tree behind him.
January 24th-The lake was really beautiful and I just love how the clouds and trees are reflected into the lake like a giant mirror.
January 25th-Matthew was being a pain about taking his picture. It is supposed to be taken on the 11th but he would not let me take a picture...well he finally agreed to let me take it on the 25th. I don't know why he does not like his picture to be taken because he is turning into such a handsome young man. I really like the picture but I wish he would smile more for photos.
January 26th-This turtle was just swimming along and we were outside when I spotted him. Johnny came and grabbed him out of the water and the turtle turned around and tried to bite him LOL. Im not sure if he could do alot of damage or not but I dont want to be the one to find out if he can!!
January 27th-After reading Obama's state of the union address online I watched this video from John Mccain responding to the state of the union address.
January 28th-Today was really supposed to be a picture of Nickolas but since I have not gotten around to cutting his hair I figured I would make either Friday or Saturday his day after I get around to cutting his hair. Instead of that I tried to take some pictures of Abby but she was pretty scared being outside and everytime I tried to set her down she would climb up onto my shoulder.

So that makes the end of week 4!! I am doing pretty good on taking the photos its just actually getting around to uploading them and editing them that I suck at. I know I will never upload every day so I do not even aim for that but I really do try to get to it at least twice a week. Tonight or tomorrow Im going to work on the layouts for week 3 and week 4. Hope everyone is doing well with their P365!! Til next time!

January 19th-January 21st

2010-01-21T22:57:00.000-05:00

I am skipping the 18th this month. It was supposed to be a picture of me but I was really sick and did not feel like taking a picture of me looking terrible LOL.

So on the 19th I got to see my nephew who has been gone since his mom/my sister lost custody of him and he was put up for adoption. He contacted her on Christmas Eve via Myspace and asked if she knew someone by her married name and if she had ever lived in Orlando, Florida. She replied that she had and that the name he asked about was her old married name and asked him why. He wrote back that he was her son. So then came trying to figure out how they would get together. She wanted to go up to see him and he wanted to come down but neither really had the money and he was due to be deployed in February so it was a really short time period to work with. He managed to get enough money together and came down last week on Thursday. I could not make it to her house to see him so my other sister brought him and her kids over to my house and we all sat around a bonfire talking for like two hours. It was really nice to get to see him but kinda weird. The last time I saw him he was a little boy about the age of 5 or 6 and now he is a grown man. Plus his adoptive parents changed both his first and last names so I kept wanting to call him by his given name even though he has went by a different name for like 17 years. Even though the photo is really bad because it was taken outside in the dark by my sister and she had no idea how to use my camera I still love it.

Another one of Ali. I know I take a lot of her but I can't help it. She really is such a sweet cat and so funny. While I was taking pictures she kept getting up and coming up to the camera and sniffing it...I took the picture once or twice while she did that and it makes her look like one of those cartoon cats/dogs with the big buggy eyes LOL. Well anyhow this one was not anything special. She was just laying on my sons bed and I was playing with the camera.

I'm trying to take some pictures of things around the house that I normally would not. So that is where this picture comes from. Just a mixture of my crochet books, photography books, scrap booking books and kids books. I have a lot of books so this is just a portion of them.

So there is the third week of this project. I cannot believe I have made it this far. I did not even get started last year even though I really wanted to. One thing is for sure I am taking lots more pictures this year then I did last year. I think I have taken more this month then in the first three months last year. Hope everyone is doing well on their P365. I've loved reading all the blog entries and seeing all the photos. Til next week!!

January 15th-January 17th-playing catch up LOL

2010-01-19T14:19:00.000-05:00

Finally catching up here. I had a horrible weekend. My son was sick and I caught whatever it was he had. I woke up on Saturday feeling ok. Later in the day though I started getting a headache and my stomach felt a little off. Sunday I get up and feel horrible. So I am a little late posting my pictures for this week. (oh and I am missing my photo for the 18th because that is supposed to be of me but I didnt take it yet)

I was outside taking pictures of the damage to the yard the county did last week (dont ask!! LOL) and saw this bird resting in the palmettos. I thought it was pretty and since I love birds I figured Id take a couple pictures before he flew off. I like the way this one turned out though.

Well the 16th of November is her birthday so I will be taking her picture every month on the 16th. We had to go to her school so she could feed her animal and groom her. Her name is Na-na. She was very sweet. Crystal is hoping to get one of her own and will be helping to show it at the fair next month.

Crystal worked at Dominos for a year but had a disagreement with one of her co-workers and since she was not getting any hours decided it was time to leave. Now the owner is opening a new store and Crystal was looking for a job again she talked to him and his store manager and she was hired back. This time though she will be shift runner/assistant manager. So she is beyond excited! Had to get a picture of her for her first day back to work.

Week 2 layout:

(credits:Route 66-Elemental Scraps Mega/font-DJB Gayle)

That is about it and since Im almost caught up except for my birthday photo and today's photo I will be closing this entry. Hope everyone is doing well with their P365!!

A Small Break

2010-01-18T17:30:00.000-05:00

I have all my photos for P365 except for todays but have just not felt like uploading/editing them. For some reason I seem to catch every single stomach bug/cold/cough etc that my kids bring home LOL. Well my son was sick for like half a day last week and now I have what he had and it has pretty much shot my whole weekend. Ive either been in bed or on the couch almost all weekend. Im starting to feel better so hopefully tomorrow I can catch up and get my layout for last week done and hopefully this will be the last cold one of the kids bring home for awhile!!

January 11th to January 14th-Week 2 done!!

2010-01-15T11:20:00.001-05:00

Oh boy it's been a busy week. Dr's appointments for both me and Johnny. Looks like he might be having the surgery on his back in a few weeks. Last time he was going to but he backed out but he is pretty sure this time. There is a good chance it will make it so he has less pain and might be able to go back to work so that is really nice. So here are my pictures for the rest of the second week. Yay 2 weeks down...only 50 to go LOL

Crystal is always so tired when she gets home from school. She fell asleep on the couch with her kitten and I could not resist making this my picture of the day because its so cute how the kitten is always sleeping with her.

Ali wants to go with us ALL. THE. TIME. It had been cold all week so she could not go outside to run and play so I decided to let her ride with us to the store and over to my in-laws. I had to sit in the car with her and she went to the drivers seat to look out the window then stood up with her paws on the wheel which was kinda funny cause it looked like she was driving.
My blood pressure has been high for awhile and over Christmas break even with the meds I was on it was 160/110. The doctor has me on a different med and Im supposed to be keeping a log which means checking it at least once or twice a day. Its been low the last few days so thats good.
Finally we have had these birds visiting our yard alot in the last week. I think they are just looking for someplace to eat and to be in the warm sun. Well with the large drainage canal next to our house always having water and lots of fishies they come here alot. This one was flying away from me but landed on our fence so I snapped the picture. I think they are neat little birds so I dont mind them visiting.

January 8th to January 10th

2010-01-10T21:03:00.000-05:00

Aww Now isn't she just so sweet when she is sleeping? She was so tired and fell asleep and she was actually sleeping in the fetal position (sort of). It was just so sweet especially using the kitten as a pillow LOL.
This was taken for his birthday photo. I will be taking a picture of him on the 9th of the month. It was bitterly cold there...wind was blowing so hard. We did not get to see the manatees because the observation deck was closed. Not sure if there were any out or not. I know we saw no gators all the way through the wildlife refuge. Oh and some moron was going through the refuge doing about 50 miles an hour and almost hit us along with several other people(speed limit is between 10 and 15 mph but most people go slower because its a nature preserve and you are there to observe nature !!)

I got bored and decided my notebooks needed to be prettier. They were just black and white so I made them all rainbowy.

Layout for week 1/January 1st to January 7th

2010-01-08T00:28:00.000-05:00

Well it was kinda a stressful day/night for me. Long story short I had an argument with my husband. I was kinda moody already and well we have been together every single day all day for the last 14 months since he lost his job and had to file for disability due to injuries sustained in a car accident. Sometimes I just need a break LOL but because of the fact that he is not able to work and I'm not able to find a job its hard for either of us to really go anywhere to get away. So what was my solution to this? I made some templates for my P365 which I am sharing with you and scrapped my first week for P365...hope you can use the templates.(image preveiws are of the same templates but reversed to give you an idea how they will look together)

Get the templates here or by clicking pictures.

Here is the layout I did with the first template. I wanted to do something really simple that would come together quickly so that is why I kept the templates pretty simple.

(layout credits:Route 66-Elemental Scraps mega collab kit/font DJB GAYLE)

January 5th-7th

2010-01-07T18:01:00.001-05:00

I did not go anywhere on the 5th so I decided to take a picture of my tractor "bank". It is the funniest thing because it only holds about 75 cents so it isn't very effective as a bank but its cute so it is sitting on my desk. I got it from one of those popcorn tins they sell at Christmas time.
On the 6th we went to the racetrack to get a picture. They have mud races there as well as drag racing and some special events periodically. It kinda is a staple in the town I live in and one of the things that it is most known for...well the nicest thing people know this town for LOL. I figured since this is the town Ive lived in for most of my life I would post some pictures of the things in my town.
We went to the park and while taking some pictures this doggy came bounding across the bridge towards us. He was a pretty big dog so it kinda scared me...ALOT!! LOL. He was so nice though. We played with him for a little while. Found a stick for him to chase and just had fun. He got bored and ran off to find some other people to play with. He did seem like a stray but you could see on his neck that he normally wears a collar but it was missing so maybe he just got loose. He was really so sweet so I hope he got home safely.
So that catches me up to today. One week down...another 51 to go.

A Little Behind

2010-01-05T11:01:00.000-05:00

So I had a headache for like three days. I got my pictures taken but had not had a chance to upload them yet. The headache is finally subsided today so I figured Id jump on here and edit the photos then get them uploaded so I can catch up.

This is our yard and our neighbors yard. The sun looked really pretty setting over the trees only I didnt do such a great job capturing it on film.
We went to the lake on January 2nd. This squirrel came right up to my husband who threw him/her a piece of bread. It was not shy at all. I think if he had waited the squirrel would have taken the bread right out of his hand.
I joke about our cat Ali being my husband's parrot (or dog or human) alot. She likes to sit on your shoulder so I call her his parrot. She also understands alot. Like if you ask her if she wants to go bye-bye she will go wait at the door. She knows when we put on our shoes we are leaving so she comes running and will jump up onto your shoulder so she can go with. She is just a really neat pet. I really have never seen another cat like her.
This was just a snapshot of Ali laying on the floor next to my desk. I will likely be taking alot of pictures of her. She loves having her picture taken. So much more cooperative then my other cats.
I am going to try to update my blog at least twice a week. It is such a pain to upload my photos because for some reason I cannot get my computer to recognize my camera so I have to take the card out to upload it every single time. That will be my biggest problem with doing P365 I think. I wish I could figure out why the camera/computer dont get along LOL but being as though Ive had it for two years I doubt that will happen. Hope you enjoyed my photos and are doing well on your P365!!

Beginning of P365

2009-12-30T11:20:00.000-05:00

I have bought a journal, created some guidelines for my year in photos and now Im starting this blog. I think this will keep me motivated. I honestly am really excited about this idea. So now I need to find a blog template thingie to make my blog all pretty ;)

My goal this year will be to update this blog at least once a week. I usually fail miserably at this with my regular blog but that is mostly because I feel like I dont have anything to blog about. Now I will at least have the photos and layouts to add.